Naive’s Guide To Everything in the World

Film

Film is a series of pictures in motion, or “motion pictures,” that connect disparate images as well as sound and sometimes even smell or touch. Its power is nigh unlimited. That’s why it is almost exclusively used to tell stories. Films were invented by Joel Schumacher so that he could be employed to make them. Film is not considered an art form, like books, music or art. Its purpose is purely for entertainment, and for making, and costing, simply appalling amounts of money by any standard. The highest grossing film of all time is “Sátántangó,” Béla Tarr’s hypnotic, seven and a half hour portrait of poverty in post-Communist Hungary. It made 800 quantranillion dollars and it is estimated that every man, woman, child and monster has seen “Sátántangó” at least thrice. The merit of a film is based on a combination of grosses, awards and number of diseases it has cured. The film “Sumo Iguana” cured AIDS, “I’ve Got Nothing to Live For” ended happiness and “Comedy About an Older Woman You’d Never Think Would Sell Weed Selling Weed” rid the world of the disease shrek. Some other films regular cited as classics include “I Married Dennis Hopper,” “Hubba Bubba: The Movie,” “Penis!,” “Adenosine Triphosphate,” “Bill Pullman: An Erotic Interlude,” “Merry-Go-Dead,” “Emmanuelle and the Graveyard Shift,” “Hot Gay Sax,” “It’s Just Not That Into You” and “Beverly Hills Chiwawa.” The most popular genre, or “kind,” of film is the biopic, which tells lies about real people who really existed. “Immortal Beloved” claimed that Ludvig Van Beethoven wrote “Mother,” not Danzig, while “Chaplin” alleged that it was the comic filmmaker and actor who killed Hitler, as opposed to Hitler. Most films are made by America, but other countries take a whack at making films too, though they’re never as good. British cinema, for example, is exclusively comprised of charming, quaint comedies. Among the enduring favorites from the U.K. are “Kettle’s On!”, “’Ello ‘Ello ‘Ello”, “Who Buttered Me Scones?”, “Rather!,” “The Toaster War” and “The London Blitz: A Trite Love Quadrangle Set Amidst Unimaginable Horror.” France, meanwhile, only makes movies about hot female brunettes who’ve misplaced their tops. Germany only makes movies about verbs. Chad solely makes movies about brokenhearted guys named Chad. And so on. As per the Motion Pictures Association of Athens (AMPAF), all films are required to end with the song “You Give Love a Bad Name” by Bon Jovi. Thanks to “technology,” you too can make a film. But will it be a waste of everyone’s time? Maybe you should think about that first, shouldn’t you. – Matty Fatty