January 14, 2009 at 9:49 am | Posted in Matty Fatty | Leave a comment

Dogs — also known as canines, mutts, mongrels, hell hounds or doggs — are a popular form of pet, which is an animal captured by humans, locked within the narrow confines of their home property and trained to fill a particular void in their “owners”’ lives. Some humans have dogs in lieu of a relationship. Others use them as substitutes for human procreation. Others still have them when they’re bored with the procreated humans they’ve created and yearn for the easily-earned, low-intelligence happiness said miniature humans possessed before they got older and developed a wider spectrum of pesky emotions. For this particular need, dogs are better than cats since, unlike cats which are self-reliant and kind of snooty, dogs are either amazingly happy, amazingly angry or amazingly tired. Once you’ve earned a dog’s trust, which can be accrued via dog treats and funny voices, you’ve got a low-maintenance “friend,” albeit one who “likes” you for shallow, primal reasons and not because you have nice hair or own an impressive collection of Elephant Six albums. For this reason, it is illegal for a human to marry a dog, even if it is a heterosexual relationship. Dogs are a favorite in movies, which nine times out of ten end with the dog dying a hankie-sodden death. This is because humans love to watch dogs die. It’s also why Michael Vick’s “Dogfight-O-Rama (Goes Electric!)” recently opened on the Atlantic City strip to boffo business and rave reviews. Matty Fatty

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