Other Languages

February 27, 2009 at 3:12 pm | Posted in Matty Fatty | 1 Comment
Other Languages are vast sets of words that people speak that are not in English. Stay with me — I’ll explain. When people want to communicate but can’t (or won’t) say something like, “I want to communicate with you” (just to give you one of the dozens of examples), they use a phalanx of words entirely different from English. Words like “plaisir” and “mañana” and “Götterdämmerung.” These words may seem like gibberish, but in fact they have counterparts in English. “Plaisir” means “pleasure,” “mañana” means “man” and “Götterdämmerung” means “Raymond Carver.” “That man Raymond Carver gives me pleasure” could be translated into “Fech mañana Götterdämmerung guk ku plaisir.” That Other Language is Portuguese. There are others, like Brazilian, French, Canadian and American. When someone can only speak an Other Language, they can either learn English — a lengthy and physically painful procedure — or they can borrow a translation book, which dumbs down the language so English-speakers know to feel superior to them. There are also those who, because they can’t speak at all, communicate in something called Sign, which is comprised of hand gestures, head tics and forehead slaps. But most people have too much dignity to make frantic hand gestures in public and just remain uncommunicative for their entire lives, hoping that other people will just guess what they want and provide them with it. Eventually all these Other Languages will die out, leaving only English. Most speakers of only Other Languages are more than okay with this and have prepared themselves for the knife impalements and stints on the rack that awaits them as they officially welcome the Universal Language into their hearts. Their literally bleeding hearts. – Matty Fatty

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