Iced Tea

February 21, 2009 at 1:33 pm | Posted in J. Frederick | Leave a comment


“Of course not, you dangerous maniac!” is undoubtedly the answer that triumphantly leaps from your brain to your mouth when I humbly proffer the age-old question, “Is there anything more refreshing or delicious than iced tea?”  For no man or woman has yet produced or even conceived of anything more satisfying or soul-affirming than that most precious and delectable of beverages, the powerful and god-fearing Iced Tea, and no man or woman ever shall, if the prophesies hold true – toil tirelessly though they may.  Made of sanctified tea leaves from the sort of quiet, sacred place you visit on a backpacking tour after college and which makes you swear you’re having a religious experience (just after the sun comes up and frosts the tips of the uncultivated tea plants with its rosy golden glow), exponentially more wonderful than its foul, lowly, unpalatable, bastardized cousin Hot Tea, considerably easier to find than its other cousin, Gek Tea1, iced tea has quenched the thirst of kings and paupers, been pressed to the sweaty brows of queens and scullery maids, leveled once-mighty, now-forgotten cities to ash, and brought greater men than you or I to their quivering, thirsty knees.  Here, do this: imagine you’ve worked hard all day in the fields, plowing and reaping, and as you gaze at the horizon into the dying daylight, you spot on the top of a hill the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen, her brown eyes shining, her hair softly blowing in the breeze, one hand holding a jug of fresh iced tea and the other smoothing down her white cotton sundress.  Could any image be more glorious to a man after an honest day’s work?  Yes, make it a double!” is the only acceptable response to that most welcome of questions, “Would you like some iced tea?”  You would be a fool to say otherwise, and trust me, iced tea suffers fools even less gladly than I do. (Ed Note: I don’t like iced tea) 


1Gek (sometimes Ghek): Neither hot nor cold, and certainly not “lukewarm” either, gek is the fabled Other Temperature, indescribable to those who have not felt it.  It is the temperature of a corpse’s wail heard by a Bavarian child during the witching hour on Walpurgis Night; the temperature of an unfulfilled dream.  Standing outside in gek weather has driven men mad, shattering their teeth and reversing the flow of their blood.  Gek Tea is not to be drunk by the cowardly, the unfaithful, or the unprepared. J. Frederick

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