Cotton Candy

February 26, 2009 at 7:22 pm | Posted in Da Ritzenator | Leave a comment
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Cotton is a fluffy substance that gets put in my ears when I get an ear infection to keep the medicine in. Candy is a universally joyful substance that is eaten and brings smiles and delight to every eater’s face. So when I first heard of cotton candy, I figured it was a substance that you put in your ears to bring a smile to your face. This, it is not. It is a type of candy, made from the web of a special sugar excreting spider and is sold at fairs. The spider is held in a small metal cage at the center of a big contraption. A clown pours a bit of sugar into the metal box for the spider to eat. He then enrages the spider by spinning the box rapidly. The scared spider emits a sugar web to protect its fragile body against the spinning box. The clown then slyly collects a generous portion of the web on a paper cone to sell to kids who don’t know anything about labor laws or cruelty to animals. But I’ll be damned if it isn’t tasty! When you put the cotton candy into your mouth, its stickiness rapidly dissolves into a chewy paste. This is a sad metaphor for lighthearted childhood blossoming into complicated, thick teenagedom. For years children have been enjoying the sweetness and mouth/tongue discoloration that only cotton candy offers. But researchers predict possible problems in cotton candy’s future. One documentary film predicts that the spiders and clowns will work together, encapsulating people in cotton candy webs. In these “cocoons,” the captured person transforms into a fluid that the “killer klowns” then consume. Other “more realistic” scientists worry that if clowns are not gentler and more careful, the spiders might unionize and decide to reap revenge. Theoretically, the spiders could add venomous poison to the sugar, which would allow them to excrete candy webs of death. Today, we can only hope that the clowns keep the spiders laughing and romping joyously with their variety of comedy and tricks. The realistic cotton candy scientists have calculated, fearfully, that the children of the world are only one failed joke away from mass genocide. – Da Ritzenator

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