Heisenberg, Dr. Werner

March 23, 2009 at 8:27 am | Posted in Herman the Soothsayer | Leave a comment

Dr. Werner Heisenberg, not to be confused with the delicious package of Heisenberg Weiners I just finished eating (I took each one straight from the package, dipped it in mustard, and ate it – it was so goddamn good), was a female Chinese gymnast who was, curiously, trapped in the body of a male German physicist. Annoyed by this inconvenience but without the means to go about extracting her real identity, she begrudgingly decided to bide her time by temporarily accepting her role as a male German physicist. So, she started making up some theories. Her first was the “Theory That I Am a Chinese Woman Gymnast”, and was met with low-key enthusiasm among some of the more unsavory characters in the physics community, but was mostly ignored. She had a much bigger hit with her second, and most famous theory, known now as the “Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. “ This theory states that the more accurately one knows the speed of a particular object in motion, the less certain one becomes about its precise position, and vice versa. Well, I say that is a load of bullshit. I knew exactly where my mother’s car was – running me over outside my office – and the police and doctors tell me she simply MUST have been going 45 MPH. So, we can see that Dr. Heisenberg was wrong. Perhaps this is why, after gaining notoriety and subsequent fame and fortune for this “theory” we now know to be falser than the falsest woman who ever told a man she really loved him but was all the while sleeping with that man’s very own brother behind his back, Dr. Heisenberg traveled to Shanghai, shed her outer “German physicist” look, and became Hu Ling, world renowned gymnast. Sadly, Hu was lost ten years ago, when I was able to calculate her exact speed at the 1988 Olympic trials as she leapt onto the parallel bars – her position became unclear, and she has not been seen since. – Herman the Soothsayer

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