Pet Magazine

February 7, 2009 at 2:20 pm | Posted in Matty Fatty | Leave a comment

Pet magazines are magazines about pets. They are exclusively funded, assembled and purchased (though rarely read) by people who have more than a passing interest in animals, insects and some of the lesser mammals, like whales. They are read by no one else. Pet owners, after all, are insecure over the fact that they prefer the company of living beings comically dumber than them. They thus require reinforcement, which can be accrued through the always reliable written word, which as we know renders anything fact. Magazines about some of the more popular pets — like dogs, cats, hummingbirds and rattlesnakes — are tolerated by the mainstream, and sold among such favorite magazines as “Newsweek,” “Penthorse,” “Magazine in Which Ed Burns Talks Guys and Romance,” “Water” and “Tsongas!: The Magazine That Pretends Paul Tsongas Won the ‘92 Democratic Ticket But Lost to George H.W. Bush.” But zines dedicated to more esoteric pets — “Walrus Fancy,” “Marmot Monthly,” “The Praying Mantis Papers,” “Weasel Weekly,” “Ferret Comment,” “Saber Tooth Tiger & Sound” and “Your Daily Donkey” — are considered troubling and hidden in the back of stores, usually next to the pornography and film magazines. There — once one pushes through the cobwebs and offers the correct gift to the troll, of course — fans of such vermin can peruse the glossies as they wish, and even make friends with any other fans of the pet they cherish, provided they were able to leave their seedy place of dwelling. They can then feel relieved that they are not alone, and then take the next logical step: forming a cult, dedicated to the writing of strange and disturbing columns and articles, as well as sacrificing animals perceived as “lesser” to their chosen pet. Beware the “Giraffees!” Matty Fatty

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