The Knave: Author Bio

May 1, 2009 at 8:36 am | Posted in Dr. Ortler Alp | Leave a comment

The pen name of “The Knave” conceals the name of one of the most sensitive and godly romance novelists of our day. Such works as Too Harsh the Rain, At His Command, and God Was Her First Love, but Zebediah Was Her Second bless the heart as they instruct the conscience. The Knave’s deep Christian devotion is evident in every comma of his works, and that comes as no surprise to those who know his working methods. The Knave refuses to kowtow to the pressure to press the keys of the Whore of Babylon, known to her worshippers as the “computer,” instead writing the Christian way on Bible paper with a Bible pen. He prays devoutly before setting down a single letter, and never allows himself to cheat God by any prayer shorter than 10 minutes. Nor does he backslide, like some so-called “Christians,” into silent, standing “prayers.” No, The Knave prays on his knees, and loudly, witnessing to all on his street. He does not allow whinging heathen neighbors or visits from the secular police to interrupt his holy communing with the Lord. Indeed, his very name, “The Knave,” is an expression of his humility before Christ, for are we not all knaves?

 

As a result of this devotion, The Knave’s novels are truly godly, unlike all other “Christian” “novels.” These soaring tales, or mission-fictions, as The Knave sometimes calls them, avoid the faults of other “religious” “texts.” The Knave does not sully his mission-fictions with such hellwords as “betting,” “dang,” and “tempting,” nor does he use such blasphemies as “For Heaven’s sake,” “Oh, God,” or the devil‘s abbreviation of “St.” for “Saint.”

 

Best of all, The Knave’s works are pure with the purity of a dewy rosebud – a white rosebud, not a sinful red one. There are no heaving bosoms here, no trashy, worldly “stories” filled with pagan baby-eating feminist witches with stupid names like “Archimedia” and emasculated, lonely Vikings trapped on desert islands and bitching at each other before reaching inter-cultural understanding through conversation and sweaty “massages.” No! The only massages that take place in his novels occur when the good wife massages her husband’s feet from her sleeping-place at the foot of his bed, and there are no “conversations” or non-white characters, only true-blooded American men giving orders to Christian gentlewomen with real names, like Jane. Most importantly, The Knave’s novels, of which The Princess and her Box of Treasure is only one example, are filled with the pure romance of mating with Jesus, and are devoid of smutty innuendo or double-entendres. – Dr. Ortler Alp

 

To order any of The Knave’s Christian mission-fictions, please call KL55555. They make great gifts! You can’t put a price on the jumpstart to God that The Knave can give you, but his publishers do: only $22.95 for each soul-stirring instructional volume.

 

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Honesty

March 16, 2009 at 10:57 am | Posted in Dr. Ortler Alp | 1 Comment
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honestyWikipedia defines honesty as “a tall (height about 1 m), hairy-stemmed biennial plant found throughout Europe, North America, and parts of Asia.This is false. Honesty is in fact a word. It is considered classy to drop the “h” but not the “y” in pronouncing the word.[1]

Honesty is a lonely word, which means that people hardly ever use it. Perhaps this is due to difficulty in speaking the word, especially when one is yelling. For unknown reasons, the word is supposed to be spoken only in a faint whisper, regardless of the decibel volume of surrounding words. (This custom, according to the best authorities, owes its origins either to the ancient beliefs of Mayans, or possibly North American Indian tribes.[2]) Because honesty is only spoken in a whisper, it is seldom heard, and this fact has caused innumerable sentences to be misunderstood, a fact which in turn has led to many prominent disasters throughout history, notably the Hindenberg.[3] Many lives could have been saved with clearer enunciation.

Partly as a result of these customs, the concept of honesty is often misunderstood by illiterate people, who sometimes confuse honesty with tactlessness. Surfeit of honesty is sometimes denoted “cruelty,” but only by dishonest people.

There are three different types of honesty, frequently known as Bitchy Honesty (hand-gestures not necessary, but recommended), John Wayne Honesty, and Martyred Honesty, sometimes also known as Everyday Domestic Honesty. Some argue that this classification scheme is inaccurate; it is, however, consecrated by tradition, and an alternative has yet to be put forth. – Dr. Ortler Alp


[1] Henry Higgins. “Class-bound Linguistic Structures.” In U and Non-U Usage: Essays and tongue-twisters in honor of Colonel Pickering. NY: St. Martin’s Press, 1950.

[2] Billy Joel. “Honesty and The Golden Bough: A Study in Tribal Belief Systems.” 52nd Street and other essays. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1979.

[3] God. The Book of Mormon. NY: HarperCollins, 2009.

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