February 2, 2009 at 9:53 pm | Posted in Matty Fatty | Leave a comment

Kuato is a mutant who dwells in the belly of the character actor Marshall Bell. He consists entirely of a misshapen head with fishy lips, vacant eyes and a sad comb-over, plus a pair of short, feeble arms. When you grasp both his slimy hands, you can see into his mind, which constantly plays old silent one-reelers à la a mutoscope viewer. You may have seen him in “Total Recall,” where he played “himself” – a revolutionary leader trying to overthrow the anti-mutant government of the colonized Mars. In real life, he did not lead a revolution on Mars, as that’s still not colonized you moron. But he did lead a revolution on Pluto, around the time when astrophysicist Neil deGrasse-Tyson was first trying to demote it from its classification as a planet in 1985. Kuato led an army of 100,000 Plutonoians against the mighty foot soldiers of deGrasse-Tyson – a David and Goliath deal where Kuato and his scaley monsters won against impossible odds. Kuato rode his victory to glory on the talk show circuit and a brief Hollywood career (see above, plus a beefy supporting role in “Howard’s End”). Sadly his fifteen minutes ran out after he and his fellow West Coast mutants started a deeply unpopular war with the mutants on the East Coast. Once his old nemsis’ fame had waned, deGrasse-Tyson was able to regroup and successfully demote Pluto in 2006. Today Bell,  who houses Kuato, gets more work than the repulsive talking parasite that lives in his abdomen. (You can see him in “Twins,” “Stand By Me,” “Starship Troopers” and “Slumdog Millionaire.”) As a result, Kuato rarely emerges from within Bell’s stomach today, preferring to hang out in inside, where he listens to records and catches up on reading. Matty Fatty

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