Porn Shop

June 18, 2014 at 12:51 pm | Posted in Darth Trovert | Leave a comment
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Porn ShopThey never say it outright in the movies, but it is pretty clear that they had porn in the Star Wars Universe. Luke Skywalker definitely was playing with a saber long before he met Obi Wan and you know he needed more to inspire him than Aunt Beru while he was stroking it on that moisture farm in the Force forsaken desert. I mean, if they had computers, they had porn. It might have been fuzzy hologram porn, but there was porn. I know it. They probably had some sex droids too, but Uncle Owen was likely too cheap to get Luke one. Han might not have needed porn. I’m sure he was discharging his flesh blaster in a different Twi’lek chick every night, grabbing her lekku (those two head tentacles for all you lame asses who don’t know) like handles and entering her hyperspace over and over again. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. Porn is out there easily accessible from any computing device. They knew it a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and they know it here and now.

So, what’s with these porn shops? Why do they exist? Who goes there? We can eliminate the notion that there are people who don’t know they can get porn online. You might be a nerf short of a herd, but you know about online porn. It can’t be that they’re afraid of computer viruses (and not the real ones which are probably rampant in those shops), because you can get porn delivered to your house in a plain brown envelope and your credit card discreetly billed as OPC Inc. or so I’ve heard. There won’t be chicks there, so it’s not to meet some. Only one thing makes sense. Porn shops must have porn so twisted, so demented, so anathema to society, that it is too dirty for the internet. I’m talking a shaved Wookie banging a pink Ewok using Ponda Baba’s severed arm kind of sick, but even worse. My Jedi, if you see anyone coming out of one of those shops, jump in your landspeeder and make a bee line for Tosche Station. Better yet, put a few parsecs between you and that guy (because it will be a guy).

P.S. If you’ve ever seen me coming out of one of those places, it was research for this entry. Darth Trovert

Haiku D2

September 4, 2013 at 10:13 am | Posted in Darth Trovert | Leave a comment
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haiku D2As all true WARSers already know, a Haiku-D2 is a brand of poetry practiced only by true fans (not lame-ass WARSies or even worse Jedheads). It consists of four lines. The first two lines have one syllable each. The third line has three syllables. The final line has eight.
Here are some classic examples of the art:

Dad?
No!
Darth Vader,
I don’t believe you’re my father.

Kiss.
Sis?
Can it be?
We’ll never mention this again.

See
three
pee. Oh, my.
They shouldn’t be doing that here.

Top
rips.
Natalie
Portman’s gratuitous belly.

Han,
man,
you’re so cool.
Don’t worry, we know you shot first.

Haiku-D2 is a way for WARSers of all stripes and opinions to express themselves about a variety or WARSian and other topics:

Jar-
Jar?
Kid Vader?
Midichlorians? Expletive!

No
more
DVD
altered versions. Your changes blow!

Globe
Warms.
We should board
The Millennium Falcon now.

Star
Trek
sucks so much,
that Paris Hilton is jealous.

So,
George
sold Star Wars.
J.J., you are our only hope.

WARSers practice Haiku-D2 at every stage of life.

Asking for that first date:

If
you
love Star Wars,
I would love to watch it with you.

Proposing:

Will
you
marry me
and be the Leia to my Han?

Deciding to have kids:

We
should
have babies.
We can’t do worse than Anakin.

Raising them:

I
love
our children
like they are our Ewok allies.

And finally, in death:

Here
lies
a Jedi.
At rest forever with the Force.

Darth Trovert

Star Trek: Into Darkness

June 18, 2013 at 1:03 pm | Posted in Darth Trovert | Leave a comment
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into darknessNomally, I’d rather be crushed in the Death Star’s waste disposal unit than watch any kind of Star Blech, but since J.J. Abrams decided to crap out this movie before making Episode VII, I decided to watch it. WARNING: SPOILER ALERT. I don’t want to be for you what this movie was for my appetite.

Star Wreck: A New Carcass features the regular mob of lame-ass characters without light sabers or blasters (just “fey-sirs”). The wussy Starship (real movies have star destroyers) I-Despise starts out at the bottom of the ocean (a good beginning, because Star Sheep officers are worse than lawyers). They also drop the pointy eared half-breed into a volcano, but make sure the hot chick from New Jersey is safe. So far I approve. A bunch of people are trying to kill wannabe Han Solo and the doctor Grouchy Smurf. Because this is Star Heck, everyone lives and everything is fine. Then someone you don’t care about blows up a building of people you don’t care about. Then some other people you don’t care about get shot. At this point they wisely introduce a hot blond British chick to help offset the terribleness. They fly around a bit and the ship breaks, but Chewie isn’t there to fix it because instead they have this dopey Scottish guy who is busy drinking in a bar with a wannabe Ewok. There’s something about torpedoes and then they go visit a body piercing enthusiast (aka a “Cling On”), who gets his friends to try to kill the Star Bleat people, but the guy who shot Wannabe Han’s friends earlier now shoots the guys in bondage gear and once again everything is fine. Of course everyone gets out just fine. They find that the torpedoes have bodies in them and they start flying home, but another stardrip intercepts them and shoots them. Wannabe Han and the guy they revealed to be named Con (as in “we conned you into watching a Star Shrek movie”) get flushed out as the garbage they are, but arrive over on the other ship which is conveniently almost empty and has its panty shields down. Con kills the few people there and sends the Star Bleep people back so that he can kill them all at once for some unknown reason (going green and conserving energy in his kill shots?). This super smart Con guy then teleports (lame impossible technology wisely absent in Star Wars) time-detonated torpedoes onto the ship he just took, which blow up. Of course after all this everyone is still fine. Wannabe Han saves the Entrailprize from crashing and dies, but of course he comes back to life five minutes later. The half breed fights Con with the help of the hot Jersey girl and everything is fine for everyone. Even Con just goes back to sleep. The hot British chick’s dad does die, but he was an asshole, so that was fine too. Overall, this movie was worse than The Phantom Menace, but the best Star Dreck movie to date. J.J. should have now cleaned all of the feces out of his system so he can make the greatest movie since 1983 and possibly even since 1980 (It won’t be better than Episodes IV or V). -Darth Trovert

Star Trek

May 7, 2013 at 1:17 pm | Posted in Darth Trovert | Leave a comment
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startrekA “trek” is a slow and arduous journey, much like watching an episode of the quaint future fantasy serial known as Star Trek. There are several different kinds of Star Trek, each more tedious than the last.

1.       The one with the TJ Hooker and a pointy-eared half breed: Hours and hours of looking at screens, talking in meeting rooms, walking around sound stages decorated with Styrofoam rocks, and lusting over somewhat attractive women in soft lighting. They also walk down halls a lot. The only excuse for watching this show was the fact that Star Wars didn’t exist yet.

2.       The one that’s a pointless cartoon of TJ Hooker and a pointy-eared half breed: no one knows why this exists. Imagine Star Wars: Droids, but written and animated by a GNK power droid. You thought watching people watching a screen and walking around in sandy and rocky areas was boring? Imagine drawings of that happening.

3.       The one with the unknown British Shakespearean actor playing a bald Frenchie and there’s also an annoying gimp boy: They triple down on the walking down hallways and they meet in conference rooms too. Did I mention the looking at screens? Whenever something interesting looks like it might happen, the gimp boy shows up to crush the entertainment value out of the scene by being obnoxious. The creators knew how terrible of a mess they had made so half of the episodes take place on a holo-deck, which allowed the actors to escape the Star Trek universe for one less crappy. If only the audience could have had such an opportunity. (Fun Fact: Eventually the unknown English actor who played the captain would escape the role and appear as King Richard in Robin Hood: Men in Tights.)

4.       The one on a space station orbiting a single planet so that there actually isn’t a trek in the stars: Really? This was a show? It’s like making a seven year long show about the administration of Stenness Hyperspace Terminal and the private lives of the employees…only suckier.

5.       The one with the computer animated Katherine Hepburn and the blond chick with microchips glued to her face: (aka ST, Roam Home) Ship goes far away. Ship comes back seven years later. They look at screens and walk down halls.

6.       The one with the bad singing at the beginning: Don’t know anything more about it. Never met anyone who got past the bad singing.

There are also several film versions.

·         Star Trek: I-VI aka the movies that don’t even deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as the movies to be named in a different sentence. Those other films are to Star Wars IV, V, and VI as the lameness of the 13 year-old girl who lost the Queen of Naboo election to Padmé Amidala is to coolness of Han Solo in the scene in Chalmun’s Spaceport Cantina where he says:  “Yeah, I’ll bet you have,” then he shoots Greedo first, flips Wuher a coin, and says, “Sorry about the mess.”

·         Star Trek: Generations, First Contact, Insurrection, and Nemesis aka the movies that are way worse than Star Wars I, II, and III

·         Star Trek: the reboots aka the movies that are worse than Star Wars VII, VIII, and IX will be.

·         To simplify: no Star Trek movie is even close to being as good as Ewoks: The Battle for Endor .

At its best, any version of Star Trek is about half as good as the Star Wars Holiday Special. At its worst, watching Star Trek is twenty times worse than being slowly devoured by a sarlacc. –Darth Trovert

Fatherhood

December 5, 2012 at 10:36 am | Posted in Darth Trovert | Leave a comment
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Being a father is pretty simple. Donate a little sperm to a lady and in less than a year, you’re a dad. This happened when Anakin Skywalker used his white-saber on Padmé Naberrie Amidala of Naboo. The father doesn’t even have to be around or know about the birth just like Darth Vader was not on the asteroid colony of Polis Massa when his twins were born at the start of the Great Jedi Purge. If there were competing donors, some testing may be required and a daytime talk show or mobile paternity van may be involved. Still, it’s a straightforward affair, although if there’s an affair, things may get more complicated. General Yusanis of Echani fathered a baby on Jedi Master Arren Kae and it caused her to be exiled from the Order, when it was discovered ten years later. The actual mechanics of how to get with a lady to become a father are beyond the scope of this article, but rest assured that the bulls-eying a Beggar’s Canyon womp rat in a T-16 Skyhopper is much more complex than a man piloting his meat T-65 X-wing Starfighter into the trench between a lady’s legs and giving her reactor core a chain reaction by launching a few million squirmy proton torpedoes into her thermal exhaust vent.

Another kind of father is the non-biological father. This person didn’t get to do the fun sperm plus lady part, but did volunteer to do some childrearing and assigned himself the title of “dad” and everyone involved agreed to go along with it. An example would be when Bail Organa and Queen Breha of Alderaan adopted Leia Organa Solo, literally making her daddy’s little princess. By contrast, Owen Lars, the step-uncle who raised Leia’s twin brother Luke Skywalker was simply addressed as “uncle” although he could just as easily have established himself as the boy’s father. –Darth Trovert

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