Hannah Montana

March 11, 2009 at 8:20 am | Posted in The Knave | 3 Comments
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Hannah Montana (not to be confused with Montana, Hannah—an annoying fictional character) is a hallucinogenic slime mold that grows on many commercial products, making them irresistible for young girls to purchase. It may also induce the young girls to enter a crying and/or pouting state, thereby causing the parents of such girls to purchase these chintzy products for them. Scientists theorize that Hannah Montana (Genus: miyli Species: syrus) evolved in 1992 when part of Billy Ray Cyrus’s mullet, which had been allowed to grow untended for too long and was then stimulated by an achy breaky heart, cleaved off into the primordial form of HM. After being allowed to fester for 14 years, reproducing through mitosis, in 2006 it blossomed into the full-blown Hannah Montana we see today which possesses the ability to produce spores. These slime mold spores first settled on a half-hour segment of cable television, which coincidentally featured a character named Hannah Montana. From there, spores attached themselves to dolls, jewelry, and clothing. Then they spread unchecked, growing on posters, gum, vitamins, chairs, napkins, wallets, backpacks, and feminine hygiene products. The addition of the Hannah Montana slime mold, which typically grows in the shape of a blond girl, to any item both causes the price to go up and the quality to go down. Scientists believe it is only a matter of time until all products are Hannah Montana products, thereby making them prohibitively expensive and completely worthless. Unless something is done, this will lead to the collapse of civilization as we know it and will subjugate the world to the tyranny of ‘tween girls. – The Knave

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