February 9, 2009 at 1:51 pm | Posted in Da Ritzenator | Leave a comment

Grammy has lots of meanings. For one, it is the nickname of a woman whose kids have kids, usually given to her by the kids’ kids because they cannot pronounce words properly. It is a much warmer name than the cold, calculating and belittling word: grandmother. Grammy can also be an adjective, as in “These crackers taste grammy.” Coincidentally, stale graham crackers are the #1 food found at grammy houses. But most unimportantly, they are used for the most useless award ever created, the music award. The first awards banquet was held in the bathroom of an elderly woman’s row home in 1879. It was in that historic room, where Grammy Grammie gave her 2 year old grandson a whack across his knuckles with a piece of Nazi bamboo for banging on the pots and pans too loudly while her stories were on. Before that, there was no such thing as music, making this event the first time something was given for the creation of noise. Incidentally, that boy grew up to be the CEO of the music industry. With his “what I say goes” attitude, and his fear of bamboo, he has given back his own grating, pointless and time wasting event, the Grammy Awards, named for the attack his grammy gave him all those years ago. As painful as those lashes must have been, so is it to see travesties like Stevie Wonder attempt to keep himself relevant by performing with the flavor-of-the-month Jonas Brothers (their flavor has been scientifically proven to be “putrid year-old bologna sandwich”). It is hard to keep track of all the bands that are out here on this inter-computer-website-maker, so the grammys decided to forget all those bands except for the ones selected to pay off the music industry. This political-like aspect of the Grammys renders the whole idea of it as an awards show false and hypocritical. Rather, it is a bunch of pay-to-players patting each others backs and performing for the delight of the brainless, radio listening audience. Meanwhile, the bands that have talent and their fans sulk around and bad mouth the industry, crying silent tears that they themselves are not performing on the Grammys. Da Ritzenator

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