February 2, 2009 at 2:34 pm | Posted in Da Ritzenator | 1 Comment


Groundhogs are furry little creatures that bury holes in the ground, where they live, and mess up people’s yards. The tunnels they build underground ruin the above ground because it can cave in, causing humans to snap their fragile legs or ankles. They do this on purpose just to create misery for and laugh at humans. They don’t even really need to build the tunnels in the first place because groundhogs can fly (although no one has ever seen one fly). To get back at them, humans trap one a year and make a mockery out of the entire species by hosting a voodoo witch-craft-like event called Groundhog Day (coincidentally, the name of a film starring Bill Murray). On this day, Feb 2nd, in a hick, backwater town in Pennsylvania, weatherologists and bookies from around the world gather to watch in awe when the little groundhog comes out of its hole. If it runs back in, the people laugh mockingly at it, calling it a chicken instead of a groundhog, and claim that it is afraid of its shadow. This means winter is gonna stay, and odds pay out 2-1. If it stays out, amidst a barrage of “Aww-How-Cutes,” high-fives, and flash photography, then the people claim that winter is nearly over, and win a 3-1 pay out. The name Groundhog comes from an ancient ritual, where, on Easter eve, you put a pig into a plastic bag and bury it in the earth. A few days later you bring it up to cook and eat the pig, discarding the plastic bag. However, when the pig was de-earthed, a furry creature popped out. It then played tug-o-war with the pig, shaking its tiny fist, demanding possession. People did not know what to call it, although they could have used familiar words like gopher, marmot, prairie dog, or giant hamster. So, because it was trying to steal, or “hog” the pig that came from the “ground,” they called it a Hogground. Then a flashy gentleman dressed in overalls with a white beard and American flag top hat walked through town on stilts, and suggested the name be transpositioned. They stared at him in awe. Everyone was quiet. A young boy accidentally dropped his ice cream onto the sidewalk mid-lick. The man realized what he’d done wrong and decided to simplify his comment. He suggested “Groundhog,” not “Hogground.” Everyone cheered, old women put pies on their sills, and little kids followed him in hordes, using tree branches to mimic stilts. Da Ritzenator


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