CPRMay 26, 2010 at 9:06 am | Posted in The Knave | 1 Comment
CPR is short for Cardiopulmonary resuscitation. To research this subject, our diligent male staff members visited the website http://supersexycpr.com/. It seems that CPR, or Chest Pressing Rapidly, is an activity conducted by sexy blond models in lingerie. What happens is one barefoot model in pink panties and a black bra is sprawled helpless in a video studio. Apparently a cameraman, digital film editor, grip, DJ, and narrator are also present, but refuse to help. Luckily, there is a second statuesque model in high heels nearby, whose legs can be used by the cameraman to frame both the title credit and the first woman lying unconscious on the ground. This second model is wearing black panties and a pink bra, presumably there were earlier high jinks in which the two women were pillow fighting or something, which must have led to the bra mix up and possibly one of the models being injured. Anyway, the stage is set for the CPR, or Crushingly Pulchritudinous Rescuer.
First, the rescuing model gets down on all fours to check for danger. Certainly most danger comes from the ground, like in Tremors, so crawling is definitely the best way to assess the situation. She slinks up to the other model, bends over her to expose extra cleavage, gently shakes her shoulders, and speaks to her to determine if she is conscious. There is no response, so, as in all emergencies, the rescuing model uses a rotary phone, not plugged into anything to contact emergency services (presumably a retro cordless).
After calling for help, the pink-bra-clad model gets down on her knees again, delicately turns the head of the fallen black-bra-clad model to face forward, then moves her pouting lips to within an inch or so of the other woman’s mouth so she can feel if there is any breath, hear the sound of breathing, or see any indication of her ample bosom rising or falling. In this case the scantily clad vixen lying on the ground was not breathing.
According to the video, when doing CPR it is important to walk your fingers between the breasts of the victim, before placing two fingers under her chin and the other hand on her forehead, so that the head can be tilted back to open the airway. With the airway open, our model hero presses her luscious lips to the full mouth of her fallen comrade and gives two breaths of a second each.
At this point it is essential for the person administering CPR to caress the silky skin of the long smooth leg of the woman in distress. That completed, she walks her fingers up the belly and chest of the CPR recipient in order to find that sweet spot. Now the black-panties-wearing model straddles the pink-panties-wearing model, the firm thighs of one squeezing the taught stomach of the other. The video instructs that this is a good time to do a dramatic hair toss. The rescuing model places one hand flat between the other woman’s breasts and then puts her other hand on top of the first hand, intertwining the fingers so that she can use both arms to compress the chest 1 ½ to 2 inches at a rate of 100 compressions a minute.
After 30 compressions (18 seconds), the fashion model smiles seductively at the camera, dismounts the other model and bends over her to reveal the maximum amount of cleavage before pressing her lips to the casualty once again for two more breaths. She is to continue the cycle of mounting the girl, pumping her, and locking lips with her until an ambulance arrives or she shows signs of responding to what is being done to her.
Everyone can agree after seeing this video that it is important to learn about CPR. You cannot watch this educational presentation too many times. If the link above is ever removed, a Bing search (just kidding)…a Google search will surely lead you to it as such a video will certainly be preserved as long as men walk this earth.
…Also, abdominal thrusts, or the Heimlich Maneuver. You should watch the video about that too. Just good to know. Watch it alone in your room, not with parents, girlfriends, or sisters around. – The Knave
Disclaimer: Our female staffers have disavowed this entry as indicated by rolls of their eyes and shakes of their heads.