Unrequited Love

February 17, 2009 at 2:23 pm | Posted in Matty Fatty | 3 Comments
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Unrequited Love is a banal and entirely uninteresting condition in which one person fancies another person who doesn’t fancy them back. That’s it. There’s literally nothing else. There is but one solution: move on. Because you deserve better. (Unless you don’t. In which case carry on.) Despite this simple remedy, most who suffer from this mind-foggingly dull malady seem unable, or sometimes unwilling, to follow through. They then wind up torturing both themselves and anyone who has the gross misfortune of asking them to open up about their wearisome feelings. In some cases the sufferer is simply unable to let go, and has to wait anywhere from a couple hours to the very end of their life till they “get over it.” In other, equally tiresome cases, the invalid persists in believing that their unrequited lovee – who, again, does not fancy them back – will eventually come around, a delusion wherein the patient hangs onto every last scrap of “encouragement” “offered” by the decidedly uninterested party and thus creates a vicious circle. If left untreated – usually by way of consistent face slaps and foot-crushing – it can fuel, awful, tedious, self-pitying songs, books, films, internet videos and blog posts, which all say the same thing, no matter the person, gender, location, socio-political upbringing or level of physical attractiveness, namely: “The person I fancy doesn’t fancy me back, and boo hoo.” For those who know victims of this just absolutely tedious ailment, and therefore suffer equally if not moreso in having to feign interest, there is only one solution: slowly train your body to tune out the sufferer’s frequency, and just nod in syncopation. Good luck! – Matty Fatty

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