March 13, 2009 at 8:17 am | Posted in Matty Fatty | Leave a comment

Octuplets are either eight babies born at the same time from the exact same human (or bear), or a baby born with eight arms and eight legs, much like a spider (or a bear). It depends on which one the mother desires. The human body, of course, can only naturally produce up to 6 ½ babies at the same time; likewise it can only create infants with up to thirteen appendages, tops. To force the body into upping the amount of miniature pre-humans, or the number of arms and legs attached to them, requires the injection of fake hormones, untested drugs and the use of various Native American magic dances, all working in concert. Why would anyone want eight babies, or a baby with a total of sixteen appendages? Because quantity is always better than quality. One child is fine, but innately inferior to eight, while love is always better when spread thin and modestly parceled out rather than intensely focused on a mere one or seven offspring. It’s an entirely healthy, psychologically sound desire to spawn eight miniature humans, or to want your child to be a spider-like freak. Certainly no one is implying that such a wish is foolish or cruel or that it belies a cynical and troubling need for attention. That’s just paranoid. If you’ve gone with a sixteen-appendaged child, feel free to hand it, directly from your womb, to the circus, where it will earn its keep on its own, all without having to leave its cage. Meanwhile, once you’ve squeezed eight tiny humans through you’re the tiny hole in your crotch, sit back and relax: the worst is over. All you have to do is care for, support (with money, which is easy to obtain), raise, teach and mold them into individuals, who surely won’t gain diametrically-opposed personalities or develop crippling insecurities over being but a number you can barely keep track of among your extended coven of offspring. But I wouldn’t worry about all that because things always tend to work out in the end, don’t they? – Matty Fatty

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