Celery is very confusing. My parents were having a party and they had a big tray with tiny tomatoes and baby carrots and broccoli and cauliflower and something called celery sticks and in the middle was some dip. I used a celery stick to put some dip on my plate and then I took some of the food and put it on my plate and dipped it in the dip and ate it and it was good. I even licked the dip off of the celery stick. Then I wanted some more and I knew my mom would be mad if I used the same celery stick to get the dip that I just licked so I took another celery stick and got some dip and some more vegetables and ate them all with a lot of dip and licked the celery stick clean. There wasn’t so much food at the party that was good so I did this a few time and had a bunch of celery sticks on my plate. May mom asked me why I took so many celery sticks and didn’t eat them. “People don’t eat sticks, mom,” I told her. She said that celery sticks were okay to eat. I eyed them dubiously. I said, “But how come the last time I was chewing on some sticks you told me that little boys don’t eat sticks?” She said that was different because they were chopsticks and celery was a plant. I asked her what chop sticks were made out of and she told me bamboo. I eyed her dubiously. I said, “But, mom, didn’t you tell me before when we had Asian food that I should try some bamboo because it was okay to eat because it was a plant and it wasn’t just for making furniture?” She said, “You like the carrots. Did you know they also have carrot sticks? Lots of foods come in stick form, like pretzel sticks. Just try it.” I tried the celery and it was tough and tasteless and had fibers in it like wood. “It’s just like eating a chopstick,” I told her. My mother eyed me dubiously and told me to go play. So I learned a few things like baby carrots grow up to be sticks and pretzels are made of wood, but not so much about celery. All I know about celery is that it is a stick that is okay to eat and maybe you can make furniture out of it and no one I asked has ever seen a baby celery. Juan D Tenti
Tags: Mumblety Peg
Today at school, I got kicked out of school for playing a cool new game called Mumblety Peg. All the kids are playing it. At recess, me and my friend, Bucky, from Scouts, who used to not be in Scouts for some reason (the Scout Master said he was caught trying to earn a merit badge in being queer whatever that means, because there’s no such badge and if there were such a badge trying to earn it would be a good thing and not mean you couldn’t be a Scout), but now he’s back (I guess queer badges are okay now, but I still don’t see them in the manual. I asked my dad if I could earn a merit badge in being queer like Bucky and my dad bought me subscriptions to Maxim and FHM magazines instead and said he wants me to earn a badge in being a Bro instead, which also isn’t in the book, but the magazines have many pretty pictures that make me feel tingly.) I don’t understand what the big deal is about playing Mumblety Peg. It’s just a game. The teachers in school never want us to have any fun. The worst is the stinky vice principle who always has powdered sugar in his beard. He’s fat and only eats jelly doughnuts and drinks hot chocolate. We call him the “twice principal”, because he is twice the size of our principal who is so fat he has to drive around the school in a little scooter. We don’t think the twice principal ever leaves his office. I think he was such a stupid fatso that they wanted to fire him and so he just got so fat that they can’t fire him anymore because the door to his office is too small for how fat he is.
At least now that they kicked me out of school, I don’t have to see the stupid teachers and principals anymore and can play Mumblety Peg whenever I want. If you don’t know how to play, it is really easy. First you and your opponent take out your Scout knives, or any sharp knife, like from the kitchen when your mom isn’t looking. Then you take turns throwing your knife down into the ground, trying to get it as close to your feet as possible. Of course, if you are willing to throw the knife into your foot, you automatically win, or even if you do that on accident, but it’s no fun if someone does this on the first throw, which is why no one ever wants to play with Seven-Toes Sam. –Juan D. Tenti
Tags: Split the Kipper
I recently got kicked out of school for playing a game called Mumblety Peg, but they let me back so long as me and my friends promised never to play it again and we did. So now we came up with a new game that is just as fun as Mumblety Peg. Of course adults never want us to have any fun so we make even better sure than before that no one ever sees us play it. Since no one can see us we could probably still play Mumblety Peg, but my momma didn’t raise no liar and I said I wouldn’t play that even if it was a promise to the stupid fat principal with the long hair that he wraps around his bald spot like no one will ever think he doesn’t have hair and sometimes you can see his bald head through a gap in the swirls and we used to always joke that maybe a bee will fly in his hair thinking it is a hive, but we stopped making that joke when it really did happen for real and the principal is allergic to bees and got all swollen, which you wouldn’t think would be possible for such a fatso, and went to the hospital. They had to drive him out of the school laying across the seat of his fat person scooter, because the EMTs couldn’t budge him without motorized assistance. Even though he didn’t die, he definitely could never play our game being so fat.
Split the Kipper’s a very simple and fun game and doesn’t have the quick win option that Seven Toes Sam always did with Mumblety Peg. The only problem is you don’t want to play with someone who doesn’t know how to do it. You have to make sure they practice first. The idea is for two people to stand a couple yards apart and throw knives at each other. You have to get the knife within one foot of the person’s foot. They have to move the closest foot to where the knife landed and then throw the knife back at the first person. If the knife lands too far away from the foot or doesn’t stick in the ground, you lose your turn. If your legs get so far apart that you fall down, you lose. The only way to get your legs back together is to throw your knife between the other person’s legs and thereby Split the Kipper. We play that you can only do this three times. Unfortunately, someone was a little high on a throw against Seven Toes Sam and we now call him Sackless Sam. -Juan D Tenti
Camels with one hump are referred to as dromedaries or lame wannabe camels. Everyone knows that real camels have two humps. Dromedaries are to Bactrians what riding my little sister’s pink bike with the training wheels and the basket with the flower on it is to Speed Racer driving the Mach V. Sure dromedaries are faster, but they are missing a very important hump. Everyone knows that you sit in the middle of the two humps and they work like pistons to power the camel through the desert. Just imagine how bouncy that one hump ride would be. You’d really hurt your tooshie. I didn’t even know they made camels with one hump until I looked them up in the internet. Basically, these dromedaries are like my grandma. They have droopy jowls, saggy necks, glassy eyes, thin wispy hair on their heads, and one big ol’ humped back.–Juan D. Tenti
Tags: Dexter's Laboratory
I LOVE Dexter’s Laboratory. Whenever my family goes on a trip, they give me the computer and I just watch episodes of Dexter’s Laboratory the whole time. Sometimes they will even leave me in the car in the driveway until an episode is over because they know I love Dexter’s Laboratory SOOOOO MUCH!!! I love the shorts, I love the earlier episodes, I love the later episodes, and I love the movie. When I read a phone number, I never say six, I always say monkey, because you are dialing M. I call my best friends my Justice Friends. In my room at my house I have a desk and when you walk into the room you can’t see it because it is hidden behind a book case and on my desk I have all kinds of science stuff like a microscope and a magnifying glass and test tubes and remote controls and pencils. My door has almost the same stickers as Dexter’s does. Recently my stupid iPad broke and I was looking on my dad’s computer to see if he had any Dexter’s Laboratory and I found some new Dexter episodes that I had never seen before that have real people in them instead of cartoons.
Dexter is older and taller and his voice changed and he got contact lenses. His sister, Dee Dee, is all grown up now too and goes by Debra and has brown hair. Sometimes Dexter still wears a lab coat, but usually he has normal clothes or he wears a tight dark brown shirt with buttons at the top and lighter brown pants and he now prefers black gloves instead of purple ones. It is interesting that we finally learn that Dexter’s last name is Morgan, but his experiments are not as funny as in the cartoon version of the show. For instance, rather than building machines or doing experiments on Monkey, he usually just wraps people up in plastic, cuts them with a knife, puts some blood on a slide, stabs the person, chops them up, goes for a boat ride, and throws their body parts in the harbor. I know a lot of Dexter’s experiments and projects did not work right when he was a kid, but now maybe sure he’s almost 100% successful, but he doesn’t really try something new, so I guess that’s to be expected and isn’t very interesting. There’s also a lot more now about Dee Deb. She grew up to be a cop and is always investigating things and usually Dexter helps and she never tries to stop his experiments or even seems to know about them so they are getting along better, but even though she’s not as annoying as she used to be, now she’s just boring and I wish she would put her hair in pig tails again and unplug Dexter’s experiments, maybe unwrap the plastic on one that’s still alive, and make some funny trouble. Also, it appears that Mandark is actually Dexter’s lost brother. His real name is Brian Moser and he did finally get Dee Dee/Deb to like him by pretending to be a guy named Rudy Cooper. Now Mandark drives an ice truck and still does similar experiments like Dexter which means now they’re boring too. I guess he just kept stealing Dexter’s plans all these years and followed the same stupid path or at least he did until Dexter finally ended the rivalry by killing him. I’ll keep watching and not just because it has naked girls now, but because maybe it will get better. The first episode of the next season is called “It’s Alive” so maybe Dexter makes some sort of cool Frankenstein monkey. –Juan D. Tenti
When you think igloo, think cold. Igloos were invented by Eskimos. They are made out of a special kind of ice that you find in Alaska that doesn’t melt if you have a fireplace inside. To make an igloo, an Eskimo would use his saw the cut up blocks of ice and then he would stack them into a dome shape with a little tunnel door on one side to go in and come out of. At the top is a hole for the smoke to come out of. They wear the same coats inside as they do outside, so igloos must not be very warm houses. Sometimes Eskimos invite penguins into their igloos to keep them safe from polar bears and killer whales. Penguins like fish. Normally, when you see an igloo, you will also see an Eskimo in his big furry parka fishing next to it through a hole in the ice. This is how he gets the fish for his penguins. My uncle Ralph says that the ice in Alaska is melting so soon there will only be rocks and water in Alaska and all of the animals will die because it will be too warm for them. My teacher says that there are no penguins in Alaska, so maybe my uncle is right. I feel sorry for the poor penguins. I guess not enough Eskimos invited them into their igloos. Igloos are also big plastic boxes full of ice and drinks. Sometimes if I’m trying to find a drink in an igloo at a picnic, my hand gets very, very cold and it feels like if I touch myself that it is someone else touching me. Eventually, if I take my hand out of the igloo, it begins to tingle and then I can feel again. Eskimos must not be very smart, because why would they live in igloos? If igloos that aren’t even made out of ice make it very cold at a summer picnic in my back yard, up in Alaska it must be really freezing inside of an igloo! I mean they’re even called coolers! Silly Eskimos. – Juan D. Tenti
If you want to know what a bleep is, just come to my town and find a kid named Todd Smithman. Todd is a total bleep. Even my mom says so. Yesterday I wanted to buy some fries at the cafeteria and so I bought the fries and had plans to eat them, because fries are really good, especially when they are hot and you put lots of ketchup on them and the ketchup is normal temperature and not cold out of the ‘fridgerator like at home so the fries and the ketchup are both warm when you eat them and Todd walked by and grabbed my fries in mid stride before I could do anything about it he was already eating them and touching them and they were ruined. I told my mom about it and she said, “That little bleep! I’m going to have a talk with that little mother-bleeper’s bleeping mother.” Sometimes my mom accidentally uses some other words that I don’t know and then puts a dollar bill in a jar, but she says she’ll explain that to me when I’m old enough. I told my Uncle Pat about it and he said I shouldn’t be such a namby-pamby little bleep like my bleeping Uncle Ralph, that bleeping bleeding-heart pacifist. So next time I see Todd, I’m going to do what my uncle said and beat the living bleep out of the bleeping bleephole and shove hot fries so far up his bleeping bleep that he’ll be bleeping mashed potatoes for a bleeping week. – Juan D. Tenti
Many things are green, such as green crayons, green markers, and green food coloring. Green is good, unless it is bad. Dirt turning green because of grass is good, because it is more fun to roll on. If the water in your fish tank turns green, it is bad, because you can’t see your fish. Actually, it’s not that big a deal. All they want to do anymore is float at the top. Green is bad when it grows in between the bricks of your patio and your dad makes you pull it out. Green is made by mixing together blue and yellow. A common way to make green is to pee into a toilet, but this only works if your mom buys 2,000 Flushes. Make sure you don’t drink too much water first, or you will just get light blue. Salad is another thing that is green, because of vegetables, which are yucky. The only good thing to eat that is green is mint chocolate chip ice cream, but sometimes that is white. If you are outside, green water is bad for drinking and smelling, but good for catching frogs, which are sometimes green, but usually brown. A big talking one of those once said that being green wasn’t easy, but I don’t know if he was right. Last time my mom told me I looked green I got to stay at home and watch DuckTales all day. It was much easier than school. DuckTales is usually pretty easy to understand. Money used to be green, but now it has colors. My Uncle Pat won’t use five dollar bills. He says they are gay, because they have big purple fives on them. My Uncle Ralph says that Abraham Lincoln was gay, so I guess my Uncle Pat is right, because they usually don’t agree on anything. Except for money, my Uncle Pat isn’t fond of green. He says the only green movement he supports comes after eating too much guacamole. Just like the gay thing, I don’t know what that means, but I laugh, because he laughs. The best thing about green is that it makes cars go, unlike stupid red. – Juan D. Tenti
Tags: X-Ray Fish
When I was a little boy, I read a book once that talked about a really neat fish called an x-ray fish. It was on page twenty-four, just two pages before the end of the story. Ever since reading that book, I’ve wanted to own my very own x-ray fish. When I was old enough, my Aunt Jane took me to the pet fish store (not the food fish store) to get one. They weren’t as big as I expected and I told her I wanted to go to a store that had big ones, but she said she would buy me a glass that would make them big any time I wanted to look at them or anything else, so it was okay. The girl at the store, Dian, had a crush on me. She told my aunt I should have at least six x-ray fishes instead of just one and I smiled at her, because she was nice to get me the extra fishes, but I don’t want a girlfriend. I named the fishes Superfish, Fishy, Xfish, Seethrufish, Boneshow, and Dian (Not because I think her hair smells nice. Fish don’t have hair!) As an owner of so many x-ray fish, I have become very popular at my school. People also like my hand glass. We use it to make people’s eyes real big. My teacher one day asked me why I like x-ray fishes so much. I said it was because I could almost see through them. She asked me if I also liked glassfishes. I asked her what a glassfish was. She showed me a picture. Ever since my teacher first showed me a picture of a glassfish, I’ve wanted one for my very own. – Juan D. Tenti