January 16, 2009 at 3:03 pm | Posted in Matty Fatty | Leave a comment

Hair is a form of string-like protein that grows out of your cranium whose sole purpose is to cover your ugly bald head. It is exclusive to mammals, because non-mammals are inferior albeit sometimes delicious. Hair comes in many forms. It can be freakishly straight. It can be freakishly curly and protrude out of one’s melon like tendrils searching for an unknown and forever elusive object it doesn’t even know is there. It can be wavy, which is the worst of both worlds. Or it can fluctuate, seasonally, between all three, like an indecisive un-maker-upper of one’s mind. Not all mammals have hair. A lot of male humans lose the very top portion of their hair as they age. This necessitates such solutions as comb-overs, plugs, the near-constant wearing of hats or simply wearing oversized bow ties that distract eyes away from the head and closer to the breasts. People then laugh at whichever of these ridiculous solutions the balding man — or baldee — took, thus forgetting their revulsion at the sight of naked head flesh. This happens only to human males. Them, and the female raccoon. Unlike the rest of the body – except, in some cases, the right leg and/or the left ear – hair grows and requires cutting, often in visually striking styles or “ways” that can be used to “arouse” sexual “partners.” It also changes color as one ages, either turning grey, white, blue, fuchsia or evergreen. One can dye hair if one likes, but then who will know the real you (or one)? Some people deliberately shave their heads for movie roles or for Hitler, and are then cursed with people seeing the real truth about the naked human head: it sports an X, denoting treasure. When people see this, and are also wielding pitchforks, bloody mayhem tends to ensue. Matty Fatty

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