Dirt is a brown dusty substance that can be quite filthy. It is frowned upon to have dirt in your house, unless it’s in a flower pot. For some reason, this kind of dirt is not as “dirty” as the outside kind. When dirt gets wet it becomes mud. Mud is like dirt, only dirtier. Mud, in fact, may be the most filthy and repulsive of all the myriad kinds of dirt, of which there are a seemingly limitless variety. For example, there’s the “fake dirt” one makes out of crushed Oreo cookies and deposits liberally over a Graveyard themed birthday cake. Rising from this fake dirt, always and without fail, is a gummy-corpse for the amusement of small children. Other kinds of dirt include “Red Dirt,” which can typically be found caked into the shoes of a Man from Mars, who, as of this printing, has stopped eating cars and bars, and now only eats guitars. David Spade made a feature-length film called “Joe Dirt,” and then immediately destroyed all copies, because that’s the sort of beautiful universe we live in. The best kind of dirt, according to anybody who’s anybody, is “Sand,” which is not quite as dirty as dirt, but is still more dirty than things that are clean (such as a linoleum kitchen surface.) Sand is great for lounging around on and soaking in some sun. It is also great for “babe-watching,” which could be considered a “dirty” activity. Along these lines, I could be described as a very “dirty” man, and it’s true. No matter how much I scrub and scrub, I just can’t wash off that “dirt.” – Jonny R Goode
 – Wall Street Journal, September 25, 1978.