March 16, 2009 at 10:57 am | Posted in Dr. Ortler Alp | 1 Comment

honestyWikipedia defines honesty as “a tall (height about 1 m), hairy-stemmed biennial plant found throughout Europe, North America, and parts of Asia.This is false. Honesty is in fact a word. It is considered classy to drop the “h” but not the “y” in pronouncing the word.[1]

Honesty is a lonely word, which means that people hardly ever use it. Perhaps this is due to difficulty in speaking the word, especially when one is yelling. For unknown reasons, the word is supposed to be spoken only in a faint whisper, regardless of the decibel volume of surrounding words. (This custom, according to the best authorities, owes its origins either to the ancient beliefs of Mayans, or possibly North American Indian tribes.[2]) Because honesty is only spoken in a whisper, it is seldom heard, and this fact has caused innumerable sentences to be misunderstood, a fact which in turn has led to many prominent disasters throughout history, notably the Hindenberg.[3] Many lives could have been saved with clearer enunciation.

Partly as a result of these customs, the concept of honesty is often misunderstood by illiterate people, who sometimes confuse honesty with tactlessness. Surfeit of honesty is sometimes denoted “cruelty,” but only by dishonest people.

There are three different types of honesty, frequently known as Bitchy Honesty (hand-gestures not necessary, but recommended), John Wayne Honesty, and Martyred Honesty, sometimes also known as Everyday Domestic Honesty. Some argue that this classification scheme is inaccurate; it is, however, consecrated by tradition, and an alternative has yet to be put forth. – Dr. Ortler Alp

[1] Henry Higgins. “Class-bound Linguistic Structures.” In U and Non-U Usage: Essays and tongue-twisters in honor of Colonel Pickering. NY: St. Martin’s Press, 1950.

[2] Billy Joel. “Honesty and The Golden Bough: A Study in Tribal Belief Systems.” 52nd Street and other essays. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1979.

[3] God. The Book of Mormon. NY: HarperCollins, 2009.

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