Porn Shop

June 18, 2014 at 12:51 pm | Posted in Darth Trovert | Leave a comment
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Porn ShopThey never say it outright in the movies, but it is pretty clear that they had porn in the Star Wars Universe. Luke Skywalker definitely was playing with a saber long before he met Obi Wan and you know he needed more to inspire him than Aunt Beru while he was stroking it on that moisture farm in the Force forsaken desert. I mean, if they had computers, they had porn. It might have been fuzzy hologram porn, but there was porn. I know it. They probably had some sex droids too, but Uncle Owen was likely too cheap to get Luke one. Han might not have needed porn. I’m sure he was discharging his flesh blaster in a different Twi’lek chick every night, grabbing her lekku (those two head tentacles for all you lame asses who don’t know) like handles and entering her hyperspace over and over again. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. Porn is out there easily accessible from any computing device. They knew it a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and they know it here and now.

So, what’s with these porn shops? Why do they exist? Who goes there? We can eliminate the notion that there are people who don’t know they can get porn online. You might be a nerf short of a herd, but you know about online porn. It can’t be that they’re afraid of computer viruses (and not the real ones which are probably rampant in those shops), because you can get porn delivered to your house in a plain brown envelope and your credit card discreetly billed as OPC Inc. or so I’ve heard. There won’t be chicks there, so it’s not to meet some. Only one thing makes sense. Porn shops must have porn so twisted, so demented, so anathema to society, that it is too dirty for the internet. I’m talking a shaved Wookie banging a pink Ewok using Ponda Baba’s severed arm kind of sick, but even worse. My Jedi, if you see anyone coming out of one of those shops, jump in your landspeeder and make a bee line for Tosche Station. Better yet, put a few parsecs between you and that guy (because it will be a guy).

P.S. If you’ve ever seen me coming out of one of those places, it was research for this entry. Darth Trovert

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