Naive’s Guide To Everything in the World

Umbrella

An umbrella’s like a little house you carry around with you to keep you from getting wet in the rain.  A better name would have been “Porta-Shelter,” but they don’t ask me to name things, only to explain what those names mean once they’ve made their crummy decisions.  I mean, seriously.  Umbrella doesn’t really MEAN anything.  Let’s break it down: the prefix “um” is what a dumb person says when they can’t think of what they’re trying to say.  C’mon.  Next we have “Brell”- this may be a reference to French songwriter Jacques Brel, which was probably playing in the room when they thought of their despicable “name” for my beloved Porta-Shelter.  And the final suffix “a” was probably an exhalation of relief for having come up with a name at all (similar to the refreshing exhalation one cannot help but emit after a nice long swig of a Lymon-based beverage.)  So, what we’re looking at is a particularly dense dude, seated at a desk in a room with a Jacques Brel record playing, handed a Porta-Shelter, asked to name it, and as he looks around in panic for inspiration, he proceeds to spout: “Um…BREL…AH!”  Idiot.  Probably had a big dumb smile on his face after the ordeal, and rewarded himself with a Lymon-based beverage. And here I am, soaking wet, my computer ruined, because I outright REFUSE to use the damn, dumb thing.  Ah, but I have a petition.  And, I have three signatures.  Change is coming.  Oh, Porta-Shelter, take me away! – Jonny R Goode