January 23, 2009 at 1:44 pm | Posted in Da Ritzenator | Leave a comment


Light (sometimes misspelled lite) is the stuff that lets people see, as long as the person in question is not blind. To blind people, light is just a cruel joke that warms the face and skin. Sight or no sight, without light, monsters would rule the earth. Monsters only come out in the night time, which is the absence of light. Light is scary to bad things, because they have low self esteem and don’t want to be seen, because they feel ugly. Also, it is easier for them to eat people when no light is around. Light can be found naturally in the rear end of some bugs, deep underwater fish, or the sun. Fire creates a destructive light too. But recently man has found the ability harness and control light. They created lamps and bulbs to work in the lamps, which emit light with help from electricity. You can hold light in your hand with a battery powered flashlight. These man made lights can be used to make the night time go away, or see things better indoors. Lights had an adverse effect on whale oil and candle sales back in the 1900’s when the government made it official that all light sources had to be electric in the big national switch over on April 7th 1909. It is not known when light was discovered. But it was probably discovered when the first reasoning creature opened its eyes. Going back further, plants (who might have been here before humans, depending on what you believe) actually discovered light first. Light is food for plants. But without being able to verbalize what light is, plants got slighted under strict copyright laws and could claim no credit. Since its discovery, scientists have been trying to out run light. Not knowing how fast light traveled, the first experiment was composed of having one scientist stand on one mountain with a flashlight, and another scientist on a second mountain. They then employed Jesse Owens to sprint from the first mountain to the second as soon as the scientist turned on his flashlight. They did this in order to see if Owens could beat light to the second scientist. They actually thought he beat it once, but they then realized a drawbridge between the mountains got stuck in the up position, blocking the light. After that disaster, they concluded light was really really fast: probably the fastest thing ever. Fake science, or Science Fiction, has tried to suggest that some day ships will be able to travel faster than the speed of light. But really, that is just bullshit. – Da Ritzenator

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