July 22, 2009 at 9:45 am | Posted in J. Frederick | Leave a comment

A wedding is this big dumb event where you’re forced to humiliate yourself in front of everyone you’ve ever known – or failing that, a bunch of total strangers who are probably jerks – all in the service of some kind of corny misguided junk like “love” or whatever.  The whole thing is so stupid.  There are two ways of ending up at your wedding: one, you can get cajoled to be there by some random lady you barely know who just wants to move into your house and start touching all of your stuff, or two (this happened to a buddy of mine) you wake up one day locked in the trunk of a moving car with a hood on your head, and then the car stops and they pull you out and lead you into this room and remove the hood and there you are at your wedding.  So anyway you’re standing there next to aforementioned random lady that you’ve probably only met like three times before, and there’s this other guy called a “priest” who’s a total jerk who makes you say a bunch of dumb stuff, and this other jerk gives you some crappy rings that you have to cram onto your fingers even though it’s dumb.  God, everyone there is such a jerk.  Then you have to go to this big dumb party and this one jerk won’t stop snapping pictures of you, and you have to eat all this crappy food, and this jerk DJ plays all this crappy music that you hate, and you have to dance around like a moron and cut a stupid cake like a jerk, and everyone laughs at you and you feel like an idiot.  And then once it’s over you remember that you’re actually in love with that lady and in fact you’re really happy and excited, and the whole thing was actually pretty great and not all that bad at all, and you probably overreacted.  Also I bet that thing with the car and the hood didn’t really happen to that friend of mine, he probably made the whole thing up.  It would be so like that jerk to do that! – J. Frederick

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