J. Frederick: Author Bio

February 22, 2009 at 6:38 pm | Posted in A. Kitty Bee | Leave a comment

J. Frederick started his career as the inventor of hockey in 1817.  After this ground breaking thing he spent a lot of time pondering his next move.  Waiting and gathering his mental capacities he lived in outer Mongolia and is said to only have had contact with a mute, deaf woman who mended his ponchos and such things.  Eventually he emerged from the edge of the world and published three books simultaneously.  They were said to hold the secret to Time and more specifically to the turn of the twentieth century.  They were called: “Time.  Ending Soon?” “Up, Up and Away in Time,” and “Time, Ending Later?”  Basically all these books did was make J. Frederick stinkin’ rich by capitalizing on people”s fear that the world was going to end around that time.  Eventually people realized what a hack he was and they stopped buying his books.  This was around the time that the century turned and the world kept going.  J. Frederick then took up art and moved to Paris at the appropriate time and subsequently to New York at the appropriate time. Unfortunately all of his art was lost due to a feud between Himself and Alfred Stieglitz.  It ended bitterly when Stieglitz stole J. Frederick’s girl.  In his rage J. Frederick destroyed every single piece of art he had ever made- I mean every single piece.  This put him into a lot of debt because most of his art had been sold to people who paid a lot of money for it and were none too happy to wake up and discover the ashes of their investment in their foyer or library or what have you.  He even destroyed all the pictures, which was possible in those days.  This equally pissed off some critics and newspapers for similar reasons.  To dig himself out of debt J. Frederick took up making porn.  Some people say Stieglitz won.  J. Frederick made a lot of porn, I mean a lot. Think of some porn you have seen that was made before 1961.  OK, got it?  Yeah he made that.  And that one too.  In 1961 J. Frederick left the porn industry, saying, “Porn is dead” and bought a large house in the Canadian Alps.  He can be found there among his large collections of many different things.  It is said he has an entire wing dedicated to clocks, but no one knows for sure.  He plays some hockey too, but he is not very good.  Alfred Stieglitz died in 1946. – A. Kitty Bee

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