April 24, 2009 at 8:14 am | Posted in Matty Fatty | Leave a comment

oldOld is a disease that plagues most things in the universe and the earth in particular. Its effect? Rendering one old: wrinkly, slow, feeble, pathetic, ugly, needy and, in general, old. This malady afflicts everything in the universe, from frogs to planets, with a few exceptions; rocks, mortar boards, oranges and Richard A. Clarke are just some of the things exempted from the curse that is old. They, in turn, will live forever, as old is a fatal disease and, once caught, can claim a life in anywhere from instantly to eight decades. How one dies from old is that the old increases and increases, until one is so old that there is no young left. Young, of course, is also a disease, but one that keeps one alive. In humans, old begins attacking at 20, and whittles away the body until there’s nothing worthwhile left. The first sign of old is a newfound yen for nostalgia and a sudden taste for music not made by bouncing tween stars. These trends increase over the years, until all a human can do is spin anecdotes, with increasing long-windedness and to decreasingly rapt audiences, and listen to slow music. When you’ve begun listening to John Cage’s 639-year long “As SLow aS Possible,” you know you’re about to die. Once old finally outweighs the young in one’s body, it’s near impossible to get by without support. Unfortunately those afflicted with old have little to give in reward – being old, as it were – and are left to live in the planet’s various gutters. The only way to avoid old is to die early. But doing that means missing out on all the perks of old, like eating baby food again, being able to flirt with young, attractive women without being smacked and gaining an almost addictive appreciation for Lawrence Welk. Some try to escape death by creating art, believing art to be eternal. Unfortunately, it’s public policy to destroy any works of art once its artist has died. That’s why no one born after 2002 has ever heard of Billy Wilder’s film “Some Like It Hot.” And that includes me. – Matty Fatty

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