Milk Duds

June 11, 2014 at 8:49 am | Posted in Da Ritzenator | Leave a comment

milkdudsBy definition, one would perceive Milk Duds to be Faulty Lactose, or milk that doesn’t go off. A Dud of Milk, so to speak. Milk Duds are in actuality, neither milk nor duds. They are a futuristic glue sent back to the past, packaged, and sold as candy. Anyone who has ever attempted to eat Milk Duds (Duddius Milkuses) can verify: the duds are impossible to get out of your mouth. Chew and chew you might, but the dense, pseudo-caramel center will remain on your teeth for centuries to come. The best place to find Milk Duds is in a laborer’s tool chest. Milk Duds are used to hold plane propellers together on the majority of trans-continental commercial flights, so they can easily keep your stupid pipes together. Children find it amusing to buy the not really milk, false-duds by the box full at movies and chuck them at the screen. The inaccurately named duds then stick to the screen, giving a bare chest a third nipple or a malignant tumor to a mistress’s face. Back in eighteen-seventy-three, there was the great Milk Duds shortage of Nineteen-fifty-four, where everything was literally falling apart. This was followed by the eighteen-seventy-beige Milk Duds scare, where to boost production, Milk Duds were cut with oregano. This resulted in an unpredictable chemical chain reaction, killing everyone who read their local newspaper. It was not until boat-teen-sugardy-one that Milk Duds made a resurgence via the masterful ad campaign created by the Nazi regime of Mars. They cleverly took milk duds, turned them inside out, and wore them as winter coats, which came off as very appealing to those without torsos. Seeing this, Whoppers and Tootsie Rolls wanted a piece of the action, but Mr. Milk Dud just laughed at them, because they were just porn star names. So Tootsie & Whopper became mates and erected (ha-ha) a wall, blocking Milk Dud’s access to the pool, which we all know is the life blood for candy. With swimming privileges revoked, Milk D. Ud was forced to pay for his own insurance. And when his trash can burned to the ground, he had the funds to rebuild his taxidermy empire bigger and stronger than ever before. To this very day, Milk Duds cannot be found in reality, and are only figments in an otherwise altered state of paranoia. – Da Ritzenator

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