Guns

December 20, 2013 at 10:11 am | Posted in Da Ritzenator | Leave a comment
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gun(as transcribed/ adapted from  scribblings found on the walls of a jail cell, cross checked with historical information) The origin of the gun began when people wanted a better way to celebrate New Year’s Eve than by simply throwing things up really high into the air. Pots, pans, and knives were either too heavy or bulky, or were too quiet when they finally came down. Big New Years Eve fireworks were the standard, but were only set off by drunken community board members who loved playing with fire. So a man who exceeded at playing with fire and imbibing lots of drink (but lost a community board election by 33 votes), decided to make a home version. Colton Gunn Winchester began his historical, ground breaking experiments by, first and foremost, drinking heavily in his back yard. In his words, that was the only way to “get loud stuff up high.” His trials evolved as such: he first meticulously chose a variety of metal objects to toss up into the air, noting their wind resistance and timing of how long it took them to fall. None of the items met the standards he had in mind. Next, he attached metal tools to pigeons, which he’d then release into the air. Although it was neat to see the tools fly away, they never fell or cause noise. The next town over did benefit with a surplus of screwdrivers and ball peen hammers, but that is a tale for another day. His last trial involved climbing onto his shed roof and throwing stuff down as hard as he could. This did cause the loudest sound, but was hardly the visual equivalent of fireworks. Thinking that he needed more in-depth research, Mr. Winchester gathered up as much sobriety as he could, rode over to the city hall, and thieved the biggest two fireworks.  Back inside his house, he lit one off (he knew he’d be caught if he set it off outside) out of his hand.  It lodged itself into the ceiling and caught both his hand and the second floor bedroom on fire. With no fire extinguishers, he poured water over his hand from the nearby basin and ran out to his shed to watch his house burn. But he was a determined man, and this did not sway him. Sober from the smoke, pain, and seeing almost everything he owned burn to the ground, he improved upon his first trial by fashioning a handle onto the the second firework. He ran outside of the shed to try it, and it worked! He was able to shoot a firework out of his hand in any direction he’d choose, in this case, up. With that, Colton claimed to have invented the first “Gunn” (named for his mother, who hated fireworks). Unfortunately, Colton never saw any fame or fortune from his “invention.” The fire department, there putting out his house fire, promptly had him arrested for setting off fireworks without being on the community board or being nearly intoxicated enough. He was taken to the local prison, where he spent the remainder of his days. Looking back on his life, the saddest part of this story was that this all happened in 1994, and if it had been three years later, he could have simply ordered a flare gun from the internet. – Da Ritzenator

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