July 26, 2012 at 10:42 am | Posted in Da Ritzenator | Leave a comment

Chick-Fil-A is a saying people used to use, usually accompanied by jazz-hands, to punctuate a sentence with pizzazz and excited sentiment. The “A” was drug out over a few seconds: the longer the hold, the pizzazzier the sentiment. Ecstatic with the phrase and emotion, but unhappy and frightened by the non-christian homosexuals who predominately used it, S. Truett Cathy decided to make it his own. He said “why do all those g*ddamn girly boys have to filth-i-fy all that is holy on god’s earth with their sinful ways.” He vowed to change the tone of the phrase and wipe all that was fun from the original incarnation, as most god-fearing homophobes do. Naturally, his plan to do this was to create some sort of retail chain and name it Chick-Fil-A. After a year of trying to figure out what to sell, The not so bright and poor speller S. finally settled on chicken, since his born-again phrase, (like the very jesus-man himself) already had the word “chick” embedded in it (like the very jesus-man had spikes).

He knew that all good christian soldiers went to church on Sundays, so anyone who  would want to go to his poor excuse for a restaurant on a Sunday must be a non-christian homosexual. Standing by his logic, he made it mandatory for his restaurants be closed every Sunday. Extrapolating his theory further, he decided that if one of these man-lovin heathens tried to enter his restaurants on a Sunday, he would try to “fix ‘um” with a dose of anti-gay mist, commonly known as hydrochloric acid; a practice still enforced today.

Eventually, the whole operation became a front. He sank every last dime he had into anti-gay cults, clans, hate groups, politicians and Dane Cook in hopes they all could prevent non-christians from being happy. His homophobic paranoia grew to the point where he even feared puppets because he could not figure out their gender. Eventually his hysteria climaxed where he attacked and successfully killed himself with a high heel shoe because his first name was androgynous, and his last name was that of a girl. – Da Ritzenator

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