August 26, 2013 at 2:06 pm | Posted in Da Ritzenator | Leave a comment

beltThe term “belt” most often refers to an adjustable accessory that adapts garments to be more form fitting. Or in layman’s terms: a complete waste of time. You see, while many people claim that belts efficiently extend the usefulness of a pair of slacks that have grown ill-fitting due to a change in body mass, many others will angrily chant: “Just buy a new pair of pants that fit and stop killing the American economy, you commie bastard!” As we have seen time and time again, it is those sorts of furious masses that shape history. So in the future, we can expect to see belts become a sign of socialism, going against everything apple pie and boot strap pulling up. With palpable irony, the small population of reasonable people in the future will communally smack their extra large, belt wearing heads and retort “Boot straps are nothing more than belts for shoes.” This will undoubtedly be met with a whirlwind of harsh criticism painting them terrorists who have no place in Zuckerberg’s America.

As socio-trajectory and correlated forecasts predict, this anti-belt faction will continue to grow until it squeezes every bit of rational reason out of humanity. Only the last intelligent American will see the irony here, and cleverly create a political cartoon showing a belt of stupidity tightening around society. The other 900 million idiots will not understand, and with pitchforks and torches in hand, lynch the author with the very belt that birthed the comedic commentary.  The curious thing is that those futuristic Amurikunz will not be the first collective to have risen up against belts, and the magical, mysterious ways they cinch backpacks.

Archeologists have found hieroglyphics showing aliens coming down, teaching the ways of the belt to Egyptian kings. Made from cat hides and cobra fangs, the kings instructed their slaves to harness belts to the ridiculously oversized blocks of sandstone and drag them up to build the Tremendous Cubes of Egypt. It has been well documented that the slaves eventually rose up to overthrow the kings. In the destruction that followed, the slaves burned all the belts holding the Tremendous Cubes together. The Cubes then fell apart, leaving behind somewhat great pyramids.

Unfortunately, belts were not buried forever with the Egyptian coup. Out of respect for those fallen monarchies, later rulers symbolically used belts to whip…or “belt”…other people/innocent children of lesser statuses. It is surely not a coincidence that the reaction of said victims can be described as “belting out a loud cry.”

Also, belts can be used in cars or vacuums for something or other, but I don’t know what. I don’t really care about those sorts of belts. – Da Ritzenator

Create a free website or blog at
Entries and comments feeds.