June 12, 2009 at 9:34 am | Posted in Matty Fatty | 1 Comment

Accents are elaborate ways of pronouncing words that differ from my own. The pronunciation of words, you see, differs from place to place. In Chicago, people speak with a Chicagoan accent, made of cartoonishly broad a’s. Their neighbors to the north in Canada do the same, only worse and end each sentence with the word huh? Their neighbors to the south in Iowa, meanwhile, say their words in a manic whinny, all while stressing the consonants while barely uttering the vowels. I hope you can imagine that. Me? I hail from Central Pennsylvania. My accent, of course, is no accent or, as accent scientists call it, normal. This, despite Central Pennsylvania’s close proximity to the state capital, Philadelphia, whose denizens insert r’s where they just plain aren’t and whose o’s sound like ooooooooohs. (No more, no less.) In fact, all accents are measured in strength and ridiculousness on mine, which is the ideal. All other accents hope to sound Central Pennsylvaniaese which, again, is none. I pronounce words the way they are meant to be pronounced; my vowel sounds are to what you, who likely have an accent, aspire but will likely never achieve. Spend a couple years with me, however, in my own illustrious and accredited de-accenting school/dungeon, and Ill successfully strick of you that harsh or braying or just plain un-normal accent. Or kill you trying! – Matty Fatty

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