February 7, 2009 at 3:45 pm | Posted in Jonny R Goode | 1 Comment

1/12/09 Fear is what happens when you see a bug or a ghost. Eyes go wide, hands get sweaty, pupils dilate, and palms go wet. If you were a cat, in addition to liking milk, the fur on the back of your body would get scared. This is called a “Scaredy-Cat” and is the root of the word ‘scared,’ or ‘fear’. Humans also get scared. Jim Morrison, a door, suffered from Stage Fright, a special kind of Fear. There is no known cure, and eventually it killed him. Fear is like a thought, or thing, that makes you scared. There are many different varieties, or flavors, of fear. My favorite is snakes, although your mother dying is also a good one. By far the most popular fear is heights. This makes sense, because heights can cause death, and death is the most popular fear by far. Remember: when you’re staring down a steep, 1000 foot embankment, you’re staring down the barrel of a gun. Jonny R Goode

fear2UPDATE: 2/7/09. Sometime ago, I wrote a definition of Fear for this very blog.  Since then, I have come to know what FEAR truly is.  Oh, how I wish for the halcyon days when I thought Fear was merely seeing a snake or a severed hand.  If I could press a button or snap a finger and make everything go back to the way it was, I would, and with relish, but alas I cannot, and without relish.  For you see, dear Naïve readers, I have looked into the face of a metaphorical flaming skull, and had a conversation that went like this:  SKULL: Boo! / ME: AAAARRRGGGHH!! Except the ME in this scenario was, if anything, more scared than I’m letting on, and the metaphorical flaming skull was, in actuality, a little music video called THRILLER.  Jesus.  Even the name gives me the willies.  If you‘ve seen it, then you know what I’m talking about.  It’s really some very scary shit.  If you haven’t, then I BESEECH YOU, do not, DO NOT DEAR READER!  Stick with Halloween and Black Cats and The Addams Family Theme as your manifestations of Hell On Earth, and leave THRILLER to the Satan-Worshipping hordes who take joy in the wicked and the grotesque.  The video stars a singer called Michael Jackson, whose transformation(s), first into a snarling werewolf, and secondly into an Undead Zohmby, are so realistic, they will make your skin crawl.  I shall NEVER, if I live to be a thousand years, EVER get these images from my mind, so embedded are they upon my poor memory. In many ways, it’s even scarier then when I saw my younger brother stabbed to death by an intruder in our home.  But really, in a situation like that, you‘re too shocked and disconnected to feel true FEAR, per se.  Not like, oh God, not like Jackson’s yellow Cat’s Eyes! – Jonny R Goode

Wizard of Oz

January 28, 2009 at 10:41 am | Posted in J. Frederick, Jonny R Goode | 1 Comment

The Wizard of Oz, a 1939 film directed by Victor Fleming and released by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, is a taut, gripping drama that depicts, in unflinching terms, the bleak reality of life during the Great Depression.  Shot in rich sepia hues, and similar in tone and theme to Agee and Evans’ Let Us Now Praise Famous Men, the film centers on Dorothy (Judy Garland), the niece of desperately poor sharecroppers living in the stark landscape of the Kansas Dust Bowl.  I’ve only seen the first fifteen minutes, and the final two minutes, but I couldn’t help but be awestruck by the film’s uncompromising look at the breakdown of society when faced with horrific conditions; note how the cruel Miss Elmira Gulch (Margaret Hamilton) torments Dorothy by threatening to take away her dog (no doubt an allegory for banks foreclosing on farms).  This being a family website, I can’t say exactly say what Miss Gulch is, but let’s just say it rhymes with “witch”!  Dorothy herself remains hopeful in the face of such misery, at one point singing the gut-wrenching “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”, a hopeful paean to the kind of whimsical, magical fantasy world that she will never, ever see.  But her flights of fancy are doomed to be short-lived.  The film’s unusual title is a reference to Professor Marvel (Frank Morgan), a scruffy, pathetic huckster driven so mad by the wretched poverty that constantly surrounds him that he starts to fancy himself as having magic powers; had I not been forced to change the channel because the game was starting, I no doubt would have seen Professor Marvel continue to degenerate into further crazed, alcohol-addled lunacy, taking poor Dorothy and her family with him – and indeed, when I flipped back to the movie, there was a bed-ridden Dorothy, babbling like a lunatic to her grief-stricken family and friends, no doubt dying of some condition they can’t afford to cure.  The Wizard of Oz has often been named one of the best films ever made for children and families, and no wonder – it’s best to make your children aware of the harsh realities of life as early as possible.  All in all I’m glad I caught a bit of it.  Oh and the game was awesome, I think LeBron had like 42 points. – J. Frederick & Jonny R Goode


January 17, 2009 at 12:28 pm | Posted in Jonny R Goode | Leave a comment

Elevators are little rooms that travel up and down. This is not to be
confused with your bedroom, which travels up and down when you’re drunk. No, elevators *actually* travel up and down, in a way not related to alcohol. Furthermore, it is not recommended to ever mix elevators and alcohol, as the contents of your stomach are liable to travel up and down your esophagus. If I may run with the metaphor, an elevator shaft is a bit like an esophagus for an elevator. In this scenario, the elevator becomes the contents of your stomach, either rising up the shaft/esophagus like that horrible shepherd’s pie from the other night, or falling again, like when you swallow the impending shepherd’s pie in a desperate last ditch effort to avoid spilling your elevator all over the floor. Elevators are great for getting you from one floor of a building to another, and not so great for getting you to the floor of another building. Some elevators only go up. These are called “disposable” or “one-use” elevators, and should be discarded immediately upon arriving at the top floor. These types of elevators are very popular amongst the suicidal population, who tend to discard themselves off the side of the building once they’ve politely and efficiently discarded the elevator. Such people are referred to as “disposable” or “one-use” people, and aside from the occasional sojourn in an elevator, their lives typically only go down. Jonny R Goode


January 16, 2009 at 3:01 pm | Posted in Jonny R Goode | 3 Comments

Yeast is an outrageous little creature that does the damnedest thing (more on that later.) Yeast is also the furthest a living organism can get from a human being. Go on: picture Abraham Lincoln in your head. He’s a great example of a human being. Now imagine the opposite of that. It’s easy: it’s yeast. We don’t really know what yeast looks like; perhaps it’s a gelatinous blob with a smiley face, or a small rhino. One thing’s for sure: it does something absolutely mindblowing (more on that later.) Some women get what’s called a “yeast infection,” and they have to drink lots of cranberry juice. I love cranberry juice. I wish I had a yeast infection. Ancient cultures, such as the Mayans, worshipped a Yeast god named Billows. Billows supposedly had the power to heal ancient sicknesses, such as a spear through one’s heart or a sacrificial head disconnection. Of course we know that’s poppycock. But yeast DOES have one extraordinary quality that sets it apart from all other creatures great and small (more on that later.)Jonny R Goode


January 15, 2009 at 4:53 pm | Posted in Jonny R Goode | 2 Comments

“Information is dangerous,” claims Malcolm McDowell in Simon Kubrick’s classic laffer, ‘A Clockwork Orange,’ and he couldn’t be more correct, or deadly. Information is like a scorpion’s sting, except in words or sentences (information does not come in paragraph form, at least not yet.) Anyone familiar with a stock ticker will tell you that information is very long and very thin. One store of information is that secret hotbed of collective knowledge: old wives’ tales. One such ‘tale’ or ‘tail’ is that you can’t find a good man if you tripped over one. I beg to differ. I tripped over a very good man, and he painted my house. This is an example of ‘untrue’ or ‘eun-trui’ information. Another example of this kind of information is that you are a 35-year-old man. Absurd. Throw that piece of information out with the garbage. True information, however, is worth its weight in gold, more even. If you are the proud possessor of such information, then throw all that pesky gold out with the garbage. People who deal in information are called ‘spies’ or ‘guys’ or ‘The Italian Renaissance.’ Don’t trust them. Instead, buy yourself a convertible, and drive. Just drive forever. – Jonny R Goode


January 13, 2009 at 4:57 pm | Posted in Jonny R Goode | Leave a comment

The enemy is typically male, usually hostile, and roughly 6’4″ in height. Sometimes the enemy is a bird that swoops down and rips that meatball sandwich right out of your hand. Napoleon Bonaparte’s enemy was the Russian Winter, which was also 6’4″ in height. My enemy is this debilitating leg ailment that has confined me to a wheelchair. Yes, there are all kinds of enemies. One popular defense against an enemy is a gun. For example, a police officer may fire his or her gun at a “perp”. Napoleon Bonaparte would shoot his weapon into a snow bluff, and I have been continually firing rounds into my legs for the past half hour. Here’s the problem with enemies: they never die, and you can see them when you close your eyes. Popeye often meets Bluto in his dreams, and they have lunch. A farmer I know can see a Thresher, even now. Yes, there are all kinds of crippling enemy-induced nightmares. One last thing about enemies: I’m one. Jonny R Goode


January 9, 2009 at 9:03 pm | Posted in Jonny R Goode | Leave a comment

DJs are those fellows (or fellettes) you might see at a wedding trying to get everyone to dance. No, not your Uncle Henry! DJs typically use records, also known as CDs, to play popular music. One song a DJ might play is Grandmaster Flash’s “The Message.” DJs come in all shapes and sizes. Some are thin and attractive, while others are very, very fat. Some are even shaped like girls! Some girls are even named “DJ,” such as the eldest daughter on “Full House,” but as that is a fictional show, please take this encyclopedia entry with a grain of salt. No one actually knows what “DJ” stands for. My friend may know, but he’s not answering my calls. One guess is “David Johansen.” Another is “Djimon Hounsou.” DJs were invented in the 20th Century by radio, but quickly spread to every corner of the globe. You may just see one in an alleyway, drinking wine straight from the bottle, if you look hard enough. What does the future hold for DJs? Something involving microchips. Jonny R Goode


January 8, 2009 at 9:49 pm | Posted in Jonny R Goode | 1 Comment

fireFire is the world’s hottest element. Even hotter than the sun, which is made of fire. Fire can be used to cook food, although an oven is more recommended. It can also be quite dangerous. The Great Chicago Fire was started by fire, as well as many other great historical fires. Fire is also popularly inhaled through a cigarette, resulting in a “high,” so called because of the high temperatures of fire. – Jonny R Goode

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