August 28, 2013 at 9:58 am | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment

pandoraAn internet radio service similar to its namesake box (or jar) in that it unleashes evil unto the world when opened. No, Pandora, I do not want to listen to Demi Lovato. Nothing I’ve typed into you is remotely similar to Demi Lovato. I only entered the names of talented musicians, not the names of anyone who must clearly have made a pact with the devil to become famous. Why does Pandora insist on foisting evil upon the unwitting public? No one knows. Like the moon Pandora of the Na’vi, it operates in a way that makes no sense. No, Pandora, I don’t want to hear Maroon 5. I already told you I don’t like Maroon 5. I’ve skipped every Maroon 5 song that has come up. What do you mean I can’t skip this Maroon 5 song because I’ve already skipped too many songs? I need to make a new station different from the current one and then I can stop the Maroon 5 song? Okay, Pandora, fine, I’ll start a new one. In myth, Pandora was the first human woman. She was created by Zeus as humanity’s punishment for the theft of fire. Pandora internet radio also punishes humanity with its seductive gifts. They make the service free and lure you in with an initial song you want to hear, but then whammy you with something intrinsically insulting to your auditory sense. You’ve got to be kidding me, Pandora. More Demi Lovato? Play music, Pandora, not some Disney brat, rehab, karaoke contest judge hack. In 1790, the HMS Pandora was sent out to discover the fates of the mutineers of the HMS Bounty and you will be just as successful trying to discover new music on Pandora. Just as Fletcher Christion was never found, you won’t find crap on Pandora (or more accurately, you won’t find anything aside from crap) and 56 people may die in your attempt (probably suicides caused when another Demi Lovato song inevitably comes on). Really, Pandora, One Direction? No one wants to listen to that. No one at all in the world. Forget it. I’m going back to illegal file sharing before you try to play me Justing Bieber.The Knave.

Ed. Note: also like the Pandora jewlery line, the website operates like a charm…if you like tacky, awful charms that nobody really wants or needs, yet seem like good ideas at the time.


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