Star Trek: Into DarknessJune 18, 2013 at 1:03 pm | Posted in Darth Trovert | Leave a comment
Tags: Star Trek Into Darkness
Nomally, I’d rather be crushed in the Death Star’s waste disposal unit than watch any kind of Star Blech, but since J.J. Abrams decided to crap out this movie before making Episode VII, I decided to watch it. WARNING: SPOILER ALERT. I don’t want to be for you what this movie was for my appetite.
Star Wreck: A New Carcass features the regular mob of lame-ass characters without light sabers or blasters (just “fey-sirs”). The wussy Starship (real movies have star destroyers) I-Despise starts out at the bottom of the ocean (a good beginning, because Star Sheep officers are worse than lawyers). They also drop the pointy eared half-breed into a volcano, but make sure the hot chick from New Jersey is safe. So far I approve. A bunch of people are trying to kill wannabe Han Solo and the doctor Grouchy Smurf. Because this is Star Heck, everyone lives and everything is fine. Then someone you don’t care about blows up a building of people you don’t care about. Then some other people you don’t care about get shot. At this point they wisely introduce a hot blond British chick to help offset the terribleness. They fly around a bit and the ship breaks, but Chewie isn’t there to fix it because instead they have this dopey Scottish guy who is busy drinking in a bar with a wannabe Ewok. There’s something about torpedoes and then they go visit a body piercing enthusiast (aka a “Cling On”), who gets his friends to try to kill the Star Bleat people, but the guy who shot Wannabe Han’s friends earlier now shoots the guys in bondage gear and once again everything is fine. Of course everyone gets out just fine. They find that the torpedoes have bodies in them and they start flying home, but another stardrip intercepts them and shoots them. Wannabe Han and the guy they revealed to be named Con (as in “we conned you into watching a Star Shrek movie”) get flushed out as the garbage they are, but arrive over on the other ship which is conveniently almost empty and has its panty shields down. Con kills the few people there and sends the Star Bleep people back so that he can kill them all at once for some unknown reason (going green and conserving energy in his kill shots?). This super smart Con guy then teleports (lame impossible technology wisely absent in Star Wars) time-detonated torpedoes onto the ship he just took, which blow up. Of course after all this everyone is still fine. Wannabe Han saves the Entrailprize from crashing and dies, but of course he comes back to life five minutes later. The half breed fights Con with the help of the hot Jersey girl and everything is fine for everyone. Even Con just goes back to sleep. The hot British chick’s dad does die, but he was an asshole, so that was fine too. Overall, this movie was worse than The Phantom Menace, but the best Star Dreck movie to date. J.J. should have now cleaned all of the feces out of his system so he can make the greatest movie since 1983 and possibly even since 1980 (It won’t be better than Episodes IV or V). -Darth Trovert