January 3, 2013 at 9:55 am | Posted in Nadejda Naivenko, The Knave | Leave a comment

facebookOkay, so I finally decided to do the whole facebook thing ‘cause everyone else’s doin’ it. Basically I did the thing twice ‘cause I made a lotta’ mistakes the first time. See, I thought I should just set up my account and have all of my favorite things liked, like bands and tv and stores and brands and shit and I also spent a few days searchin’ and invitin’ anyone and everyone I could possibly think of to be my friend and I was uploadin’ pictures and joinin’ groups and addin’ games and apps and all that kinda’ stuff. I wanted to have more friends than anyone and for them to think I was so awesome for all the awesome stuff they could see I liked and I wanted to play all the games and win all the games and lead the sorority and have the best farm and all the best of everything.

Total fuckin’ disaster. Really, all I wanted was to see what people were up to and for them to say how awesome I was. Yes, I like’s me some attention, but ain’t that really the whole point of facebook? I mean, it worked for a while. I was basically droolin’ over every update and commentin’ on every post and I was showin’ up late for my shifts at work and turnin’ into one of those assholes constantly lookin’ down at my phone like some kinda’ crackhead who thought the phone was ‘bout to magically spit out some crack rocks.

Then it all got old. My phone was vibratin’ every other second to let me know some crap was happ’nin’ on my facebook. I got myself tagged in so many photos of me drunk or high or with my shirt off that I had double digit friend requests every day and the little stupid red message balloons were startin’ to look like Lindsay Lohan arrest counters. Then there were the ads and pop-ups and suggestions and crap. Some hatin’ ugly ass bitches started makin’ some trouble on my wall and sayin’ I was a slut and a whore and talkin’ trash. Sure, some girls say them things to me in person even though they ain’t true, but I can’t slap their bitch asses when they do it on the computer.

And even if I could get past all these constantly naggin’ updates and games and all kinds of distractions and haters and shit and could get the newsfeed screen to stay still for a minute and stop updatin’ and scrollin’ and jumpin’ all over the place when I didn’t want it to so I could see what was goin’ on with all these friends I had and what good things they were sayin’ ‘bout me, almost everything was total дерьмо.

I never knew how much crap there was in the world that I don’t give a shit about until I joined facebook.

It was all SOOOOO annoyin’, but my mamma didn’t raise no asshole, so I went in and deleted the whole account and started from scratch. I asked one of my fellow authors for help to do it right the second time so see below for what we got ‘cause I’m awesome like that. – Nadejda Naivenko

Rules – Every day, it becomes more and more difficult to navigate in society without sublimating your personal privacy to the corporate entity known as Facebook. When you finally give up the fight to live off the ‘book, here are some rules that will keep you moderately safe and somewhat un-annoyed for now, but things may change at any time according to Facebook’s will and there is nothing you can do about it.

 The Knave’s Ten Rules for Making Facebook Tolerable Although It Will Still Annoy You and at Any Time They May Change Everything Causing Some Rules to No Longer Apply:

1.    Firefox + AdBlockPlus + Fanboy’s lists (or something equivalent)

2.    “Like” nothing so there is no basis for you to receive suggestions. If your friends really want to know what you like, you can tell them. Otherwise no one cares except the people sending you ads. If you really want to “like” something, be prepared to remove the “like” if you notice it generating suggestions.

3.    Disable getting suggestions from what your friends decided to “like” in the Facebook Ads section of your profile settings.

4.    Facebook makes you choose a location, so live in Balad, Somalia or some such place that will not generate location based suggestions.

5.    Disable any kind of notification. There is really no reason to check Facebook more than once a day at an absolute maximum. If you are doing that, the notifications are pointless, because you will see everything the same day. If you are checking less than once a day, you have wisely realized that outside of the occasional event invitation, nothing important happens on Facebook.

6.    Maximize all of your privacy settings and definitely don’t let anything be public.

7.    Don’t play any games. They are not good anyway. There are better games elsewhere that don’t require you sharing your personal information.

8.    Minimize your friends to people you’ve met in person and would actually be pleased to see again.

9.    Do not upload any pictures or write any posts that you would not be okay with having posted on a billboard along the nearest highway.

10.  Use an alias if you don’t have a common name and even if you do, still maybe use an alias for the sake of plausible deniability in case you post something you shouldn’t have.

 There really are only the ten rules. Number eleven below should be so obvious that most people would be insulted to see it in writing, but for those who may not have realized this:

11.  Don’t ever give them any actual real world money! –The Knave

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