FRANKENSTEIN HIGH

December 21, 2012 at 11:12 am | Posted in J. Frederick | Leave a comment
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frankenstein highWe all love movies, but it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of watching and talking about the same old movies over and over again.  In particular, people tend to unfairly focus solely on movies that are actually real.  But what about those movies that are so easily forgotten: movies that do not exist?

Take, for example, the popular genre of 1980s coming-of-age teen comedies. Immediately were are reminded of The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, and Pretty in Pink – all fine films, and all benefiting from the fact that they were actually made and are not just nonexistent figments of my imagination.  But what about that beloved teen horror comedy, Frankenstein High?  Why should it continue to be unjustly ignored merely because I just made it up?  It’s “high” time that this classic, entirely fictional film be rediscovered by a newly appreciative audience – or at least, it would be, were such a thing possible (it’s not).

            Released neither in 1986 nor any other year, Frankenstein High stars, or more accurately doesn’t star, Brendan Jamison, a then-promising young actor who is sadly all but forgotten today, largely due to the fact that he’s not a real person.  Jamison (in a wholly fabricated movie that can never be watched by anyone) plays Pete Gideon, a typical American teen who discovers that his father (played by nobody whatsoever) is a descendent of none other than Dr. Victor Frankenstein – and he himself is one of his father’s creations!  Young Pete is forced to reconcile this revelation, and the accompanying sudden fear of fire, with the ordinary travails and tribulations of being an awkward teenager.  The movie, if it had existed, would have also focused on Pete’s burgeoning romance with classmate Valerie, played by Laindy Armrooster (not a real person, or indeed even a real name), as well as the hilariously crusty Principal Butterfield, who is suspicious of Pete and keeps trying to discover his secret, or at least does so in this made-up scenario in which both the character and the film exist in the real world.  Who can forget the classic scene where the Principal walks in on Pete in the bathroom?  It’s still as fresh and funny today as it was when I made it up 10 seconds ago.  How about the food fight?  Or the dance contest?  Or Pete’s stirring, climactic, completely imaginary closing speech about togetherness and understanding, one of the many scenes in the movie that (a) were never actually written or filmed and (b) remind us that Frankenstein High truly has a good heart, and has more depth and emotion than the typical crass gross-out comedy, even some that were actually produced and can be watched!

            Frankenstein High cannot be found on Blu-Ray or DVD, or even on an old videotape or laserdisc (it being, again, not a real thing), but can be found on VidPlay, a nonexistent video format that I invented just now.  One word of warning: While trying to hunt down a copy (something that is not recommended, as such a search will inevitably prove fruitless), you should try to avoid the equally fake Frankenstein High 2, a film that also doesn’t exist but is nonetheless still somewhat of a letdown. -J. Frederick

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