Burning BushNovember 30, 2012 at 1:52 pm | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment
Tags: Burning Bush
(not to be confused with Fire Crotch or Pediculosis Pubis) Once upon a time the all-powerful, magical, invisible Creator of all space and time needed to talk to a guy who was walking around in the desert. First, the omnipotent God, sent an angel, which is a sort of invisible quasi-magical over-human, to appear in a bramble, because the Superbeing needed this particular guy’s attention and the guy was all busy making sure his father-in-law’s flock got grazed. The bramble was on fire, but a supernatural kind of fire that burned, but didn’t hurt the bramble at all, presumably because the Deity who had wiped out all life from the planet a couple thousand years ago wanted to make sure the bramble had a good long life. Why the bush was necessary at all, since a fire burning out of nothing would probably be even more miraculous than something flammable burning, is still a mystery.
So this magical, fiery, unconsumed bush that had been the vehicle for the Angel of Yahweh, now became a sort of speakerphone for the God and Lord Creator of all that ever had or ever would exist. Out of concern for the dirt in front of the bramble, the Divinity made Jethro’s son-in-law take off his sandals, because although God is omnipresent, this patch of dirt was now holy, as He was more there than He was in all the other places He is/was/will be. The all-powerful Creator of this guy then let him know that He was the God of the Patriarchs Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and that he was Yahweh, which the God, being all-knowing, must have known would not go without saying. The sheep/goat herder was likely thinking the angel, the burning bramble that wasn’t consumed by flame, and the voice telling him to take off his sandals were just some sorts of non-mystical phenomena since the guy was a monotheist and wouldn’t have been thinking some other God was involved. As the Almighty spoke, the guy, Moses, looked away from the burning bramble miracle that God had just gone to all of the trouble of performing. The Deity said, “I am, Who am,” but then again, everyone capable of saying that would also be who is.
The omnipotent Creator of all people on Earth then explained how He felt sorry that the Egyptians He created were mistreating the Israelites He created and that He wanted His Israelites to go and mistreat the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites He had also created. Then the Bush rambled on about how Moses had to ask the king of Egypt if he could perform a sacrifice, which wouldn’t be allowed and that the Israelite women should take the Egyptians’ gold and silver jewelry and their finest clothes. God then turned Moses’s walking stick into a snake transformer and gave him a magic hand that could look like it had leprosy and the ability to turn river water into blood, which the Creator of the entire universe called “miracles” that would convince the elders that he spoke for Him.
Still, Moses was having none of it. He whinged on and on about what a bad speaker he was even when God said He would give the guy the words to say. Finally, Yahweh had had enough and told Moses to just get his brother to do it. Presumably, God knew this would happen and could have just gone directly to Aaron, the brother, but Eternal Beings have a lot of time to kill. After narrowly escaping being killed by God for not chopping off part of his son’s penis (luckily his wife was there with a flint knife and a steady hand), Moses, with the help of Aaron, went on to do many great and often confusing things. The Burning Bush went back to just being the bush. –The Knave