November 19, 2012 at 3:20 pm | Posted in J. Frederick | Leave a comment

Vampires? Do I know about vampires? Oh, what these vampire-seeing eyes have seen! What have they seen, you ask? Vampires. For you see, long before I worked in this department I was the world’s foremost vampire hunter. That garlic smell that lingers in my cubicle and on my clothes and breath? That isn’t for my health. It’s a precaution. You never know when a vampire could be stalking nearby. Yes, stalking, I said, and I know stalking when I see it. Even now a vampire could be crouched down in the bushes outside your house, or going through your garbage, or looking in your bathroom window with binoculars, all to get his fangs into that pretty little neck. Even now, a vampire could be lingering in the supply closet near your office, or gawking at you across the table at a sales meeting, or hanging outside the ladies’ room while you’re in there, or sneaking into your office after hours to smell your pens and stapler, all in the hopes of getting just one taste of that smooth, pure white neck of yours. Do you think I carry this crucifix around because I believe in God? Do you think I whittled this wooden stake out of a table leg because deep, chronic loneliness has driven me insane? Do you think I sit at my desk reading explicit vampire erotica instead of updating my sales reports because I’m lazy and incompetent? Do you think I was thrown out of that Twilight screening merely for not wearing any pants? No, that was research. Even now a vampire, or at least some kind of vampire-obsessed creep, could be talking to you, right now, literally saying words to you at this moment, all the while losing track of what he’s saying because he’s focused on the creamy white skin of your neck, and the way your shirt clings to your breasts and hips. Hey, do you want to get a drink after work? No? Okay, never mind. -J. Frederick


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