September 7, 2012 at 3:14 pm | Posted in Nadejda Naivenko | Leave a comment

Not all baths are made the same. Like for example, my dad stays in bed to take a bath with a sponge on a stick, because of how incredibly fat he is. I don’t know that he would even fit out the door of his room. There is a bathroom he can waddle to in his room, but that door was widened years ago. It doesn’t have what you would normally consider a bathtub or shower, just has a hose and a drain in the floor, but mosta’ the time it’s too much effort for him to get hosed down and it’s not like he’s doin’ much, but watchin’ TV and stuffin’ his face and no one’s goin’ in that room, ‘cause it stinks, ‘cause there’s usually the remnants of old food and no one wants to go in there ‘n’ clean up, ‘cause he yells as much as he smells. You’d think that a guy’d be thankful that you help his bed-ridden ass clean up a little, so he’s just a fat pig and not a fat pig wallowin’ in’is own filth, but no, not my dad. And on top of the filth smell and the body smell, there’s the mildew smell, ‘cause when he does try to take a “bath” with the sponge on the stick, water runs into the bed sheets and carpet and pretty soon it smells like a whole new kinda’ ass, ‘cause there’s no ventilation in there. Really only spring and fall are tolerable. Summer, he sweats his ass off no matter how high you turn up the air-conditioning and winter he never opens the windows to air out his sty. I won’t even get into the toilet situation or the nasty-ass sponge itself. Basically, it’s like that corner of the house is the domain of a disgusting creature from another planet and the rest is where normal peeps live. For me, I only take a bath when my mom’s boyfriend isn’t around. If he’s there and I’m in the tub or shower, you know he’ll “accidentally” walk in on me for an ogle. Seems the lock always gets busted. When he stays over for a few days, my bath becomes usin’ a damp washcloth under my clothes. My buddy Timbo hasn’t bathed. No, I didn’t accidently leave the “since” off that sentence. It’s really gross, but he reeks so much like pot that it covers most of the other smell and he shares his herb freely, so that makes it tolerable usually. Sometimes a bunch of us do get together and forcibly bathe him outside in a kiddy pool, ‘cause there are limits to what the human nose can endure. – Nadejda Naivenko

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