August 12, 2012 at 2:55 pm | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment

It is universally accepted that the best way to describe an elephant is to recruit some blind people to go on a fact finding mission. Here are the reports of they submitted:

Cathy Cataracts: An elephant is a big flat creature, taller than I could reach. I was amazed at how perfectly flat it was. As I moved along its side, I felt several large square indentations with interior sections that were smooth like porcelain. There were also some large rectangular indentations with small hard round protrusions on the right side at about waist height. Elephants have four of these broad flat sides and are about the size of a house.

No-Eyes Johnson: Elephants are sneaky. They come up behind you and feel you all over with their surprisingly human-like hands and stiff probing organ.

Glenda Glaucoma: Elephants are grabby snot tubes that occasionally snort gallons of water all over your new suede jacket. They’re jerks and thieves. One stole all of my peanuts.

Samuel Sun-Stare: Pachyderms are basically big obnoxious feather dusters that smell like shit and farts.

Susie Sockets: Elephants are loud and have very sharp teeth. I was walking around the jungle and suddenly I heard the elephant’s battle cry, a noise that sounded like foreigners screaming. Then after it bit my leg, dragged me into the water and started rolling me over with its claws. Its skin felt a little like tree bark. Luckily some people saved me from the creature.

Blind Bob: I never would have thought that an animal would feel so much like a man’s backside. Elephants are so loving and receptive no matter where or with what you pet them.

Trachoma Tracy: Don’t visit elephants! Elephant is just a polite euphemism for a giant spear that stabs you in the chest and you almost die. It’s a trick. Only an idiot would willingly expose herself to an elephant if she knew what one was. That’s why that movie was called “Dumbo”. Dummies entertaining themselves with a flying shaft of death.

Mitch Three-Mice: Proboscideans are not too impressive, just big flaps of skin. Pull hard enough on one though and it gets its big muscular friend to throw you against a tree. Wonder what kind of animal that was?

White Cane Carl: An elephant is a big round heaving thing like a giant pot sitting on a five legged stand, but one of the legs is not quite as thick as the other four. The fifth leg flops around just above the ground, but stiffens up when you touch it and you can climb on for quite a ride.

The Knave

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