Queen Elizabeth II

August 5, 2012 at 9:58 am | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment

The story of Elizabeth the Second begins sometime in July of 1925 when her mother’s ovum was fertilized by her father’s sperm. The zygote thereby formed, divided into a multi-celled organism and grew into a fetus. The fetus gestated a while in its mother’s uterus and eventually opted not to squeeze its way out of a vagina, but rather to be delivered via an incision in abdomen of the Duchess of York. The trailing umbilical cord was cut on April 21st, 1926 in the city of London in the United Kingdom. Made out of skin, blood, bones, and goo like everyone else, this baby was called Her Royal Highness Princess Elizabeth of York unlike any other baby named Elizabeth born in the same country at the same time. Due to someone dying and someone else scandalously marrying a divorced woman, not through any work or accomplishment, the ten year old became Her Royal Highness The Princess Elizabeth second in line to the throne of the United Kingdom. At twenty-one, Elizabeth married both her second cousin once removed and her third cousin, who were the same person, because why not date at family reunions? Her husband was given the title His Royal Highness Duke of Edinburgh due to how good a job he did being alive, breathing, and marrying his cousin. In 1952, while on vacation from doing nothing, Elizabeth’s dad died and she found out she was the Queen. Several other British people named Elizabeth also had dads who died that year, but they did not get castles and money from taxpayers, because they hadn’t squirmed out of the right Caesarian Section in 1926. The coronation in 1953 was widely televised so people could at least see all of the stuff they had paid for on the girl who had not worked to earn any of it. Now the ruler of a long list of countries, because she was so good at being alive and attending parties, Elizabeth decided to actually visit some of them. People lined up around the world to look at a twenty-something English bird in various funny hats. That’s basically it. She was born. She went to some social gatherings. She traveled. She wore hats. She has access to billions of dollars of the United Kingdom’s money because her zygote was in a the right uterus back in the 1920s. –The Knave

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