May 17, 2010 at 8:36 am | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment

Prior to the efficient killing of the Second World War alleviating the problem, there were too many people on the planet for the technology of the day to handle.  This excess of people was cramping everyone’s style and causing a rather large depression.  There just weren’t enough wealth and resources to go around.  Something had to be done.  In 1934, the 32nd President of the United States, “Franky D” Roosevelt asked the world a simple question:  “How do we stop overpopulation?”  No one knew.  Weeks and then months passed and not a single person had any idea.  The only suggestion came from a New York fashion designer who proposed that magazines start promoting extreme thinness as “ideal” and then everyone would want to become smaller, thereby taking up less room and consuming fewer resources.  Unfortunately, hamburgers had already been invented, so it was known that most people wouldn’t go along and in fact might eat even more to make themselves feel better about not being thin.

Time continued to pass unhappily until one fateful day, when a Japanese immigrant to the United States named Yoshida Kogyo Kabushikigaisha was sitting in a San Francisco café on Post Street watching a family with small children walking up Buchanan. The answer to the president’s question came to him.  How do you fight overpopulation?  Simple.  You kill kids.  He had read Jonathan Swift’s fine essay A Modest Proposal and could see the appeal of eating children, but it wouldn’t really address the problem at hand.  Swift wanted parents to fatten up their children to sell to the rich as food.  He was a crusader against poverty, not overpopulation.  If there were profit in children, it would actually cause more to be born.  Imagine a world full of obese children who just sat around on the couch all day, eating processed food, being entertained by non-athletic means.  They might be more delicious than veal, but they’d be a drain on the economy.

Yoshida innovation was to just kill them.  You kill kids, and you have less people.  If people know their kids are going to be killed, they won’t waste resources letting the fetus gestate, come to term, and start walking around wanting playgrounds and schools and such.  The Prez was delighted.  Yoshida was given a million dollar grant to start killing kids and also the Congressional Gold Medal.  Here, the plan hit a snag.  Parents would not get on board with the program.  They seemed to be “attached to” or even “fond of” their children.  These traitors went beyond disapproving stares when the Youth Killing Korps came to their doors to murder their children.  Some even went as far as armed resistance.

Yoshida and Franky D soon had to admit defeat and come up with another plan.  They would encourage people to zip it up and just not have so much sex.  Although it would take longer, preventing children from being conceived should work as well as killing them.  But there had to be an incentive and nothing works so well as a threat.  To remind people that there could be dire consequences if they don’t zip it up and abstain from too much procreation, the logo of the Youth Killing Korps is emblazoned even today on the zippers of most pants: YKK. – The Knave

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