Ben AffleckApril 23, 2010 at 3:19 pm | Posted in The Knave | 1 Comment
Tags: Ben Affleck
Contrary to popular belief, Ben Affleck is the long lost illegitimate child of former U.S. President George Walker Bush, who has been trying to take an interest in Ben’s life ever since leaving the Whitehouse. The bastard, Affleck, was the byproduct of the middle thirty years of Bush’s life, when he was either in a drunken stupor or a drug induced coma, which are both side effects of obsessive baseball watching. PorcheLynn Kamode, Ben’s birth mother and a baseball groupie (called a “slugger slut” in those days), though not the woman who raised him, had this to say: “George is not the sharpest knife in the bulb box, but luckily little Benny got my brights.” Attempts to reach the former President of the United States were met with secret police raids of this office. The closest person to Mr. Bush who could be contacted was his landscaper. We sent our Spanish-speaking reporter to talk to the man, but the only response Mr. Gluckenwald would give to questions about Mr. Affleck was: “No habla Español.”
In keeping with time-honored traditions of journalistic integrity, it is beyond our scope to speculate on what Laura Bush’s reaction was when she learned of her husband’s relationship with li’l Benny (and former relationship with Ms. Kamode). However, her pedicurist was able to tell us, so we just wrote down what she said that the former First Lady said: “It’s really no surprise that George knew another woman five years before we got married. As long as he doesn’t ‘get his John Edwards on’ (air quotes were used for this) now, I’m fine with it.”
A former Whitehouse speechwriter, who wishes to remain unanimous (we assume he meant anonymous), was asked what George and Ben are doing to connect. He said, “The former president has all the time in the world now that Texas has finally been completely cleared of brush. He plans to take his bastard son to the one place on Earth where he is universally respected: East Timor, where people watch Surviving Christmas and Reindeer Games instead of It’s A Wonderful Life and A Miracle on 34th Street during the holidays. Phantoms has been number one at the box office since before the 1999 referendum for independence. They re-released Armageddon and Paycheck rather than screening Avatar and every citizen thought that was a really good idea. Bounce is the only thing teens watch on dates unless they also watch Jersey Girl. The second most popular boy’s name, after Benjamin, is Gigli. All of the girls are either named Jennifer, after his wife, or Goodwillhunting due to a misunderstanding. Affleck is a hero there and Mr. Bush thinks it is a place where they can really bond.”
The Bush daughters, Jenna and Barbara, were readily available to our reporters for comment on their new half-brother, although they seemed much more interested in his wife. They didn’t get it when our reporter said they seemed “Dazed and Confused”. Following blank stares, they said eerily in unison, “We love Alias and Electra kicks ass. We couldn’t see it in the theater for security reasons, but it only took a couple of weeks for it to come out on DVD. We’d love to have two moms. We’re twins. Wouldn’t it be awesome to have moms who were twins?” Confused by their statements, our reporter gave up and went with them to a bar, where Jenna and Barbara seemed to be much more in their element. Unfortunately, the ability to identify and consume shots contributed nothing to this piece except some banal observations regarding 13 Going On 30. It should also come as no shock that the only two Ben Affleck movies they have seen were Pearl Harbor and Daredevil, both of which also feature Jennifer Garner.
Matt Damon, not surprisingly, could not be contacted for this story as he is still fucking Sarah Silverman. – The Knave