March 29, 2010 at 9:22 am | Posted in J. Frederick | Leave a comment

A daycare, strictly speaking, is a business where you (the parent) can leave your child (your child) in the care of the daycare’s employees (total strangers) for a nominal fee, while you (the parent) spend that time, presumably, at your (the parent’s) place of employment (Amalgamated Solutions Industries, Inc.), earning the money (your salary) to pay the nominal fee (you’re due for a raise).  It sounds wonderful doesn’t it?  Unfortunately not all daycares are reputable – in fact if anything some are even not reputable!  We all want to believe that we will leave our children in the care of intelligent, qualified, engaging educators, who are enthusiastic about children and their futures, ready and able to tackle the incredible and often overwhelming responsibility of guiding a young mind through those crucial first few years of physical and cognitive development, shaping capable young adults who are curious about their surroundings, optimistic about their lives, and passionate about employing their talents to make the world a better place.  But some daycares don’t even have a swingset!  Some have been known to keep the children in the most appalling conditions imaginable.  Some are horribly filthy; some lack basic necessities like heat, plumbing, or floors; some are religiously opposed to diapers; some agree to take care of chimps, wild dogs, and deer alongside human children; some have poor taste in music; some are situated on asteroids far out in space and lack an adequate oxygen supply; still others have only four statues of the Hawaiian shark god Ka-moho-ali’i on display, instead of the state-required seven.  Some have been known to be fronts for terrifying sweatshops, putting the children to work making wallets, beef jerky, copper ore, pure cocaine, or some combination of all four.  But most disgracefully of all, most daycare centers simply have impolite, unhelpful employees, who ask privacy-invading questions like “Where is your child, sir?” or “Do you even have a child, sir?” or “Sir, are you just a lonely, childless man who’s hanging around near a daycare center for some bizarre, possibly sinister reason?” or “Sir, we’d appreciate it if you just left the premises quietly” or “Sir, we don’t want to involve the authorities, but it may come to that” or “Sir, please stop crying, let’s be civil adults about this” or “Sir, please stop fondling those teething rings.”  How can you explain to them how much their rudeness and insensitivity have offended you?  There was a time, you want to say to them, when I thought that a beautiful woman loved me, and our own child would have attended this very daycare.  But alas, you would tell them, desperately gripping their collar, it was not to be.  They will never understand.

            Also, “Daddy Daycare” is the name of an American comedy film, released in 2003 and starring Eddie Murphy. – J. Frederick

(Ed. note: Congrats to the long time listener, first time [imaginary] father!)

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