March 26, 2010 at 10:42 am | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment

Only real Americans can truly comprehend the brilliance and true essence of the word applepious.  Everyone else in the world is out of luck.  For any non-American reading this, remember that you will grasp the definition here as well as a deaf Dane would understand a description of Picasso’s Guernica described in Chinese by a mute submerged in a vat of crude oil.

On the first level, to be applepious is to embody the quintessence of American-ness.  When something is “as American as apple pie”, it is apple-pi(e)ous.  The world acknowledges that apple pie is a solely American dessert.  In fact, if a Canadian or Pakistani or member of any other nationality attempts to make an apple pie, God smites it, leaving nothing but some burnt crumbs in the pan.

On the second level, to be applepious is to be the epitome of virtue.  Everyone knows that a woman named Eve defied God by eating the apple from the Tree of Knowledge of Good And Evil.  An apple-pious person would not have eaten the apple.  He would have been pious and compliant about the apple rule.  He would have blindly obeyed God’s command, never questioning its logic or arbitrariness.  He would show proper reverence to an invisible Superbeing who refuses to reveal Himself and claims to love His creations, yet lets them suffer even though He could stop it and actually created the things causing the suffering.

On a third level, to be applepious, is to be enraged and go into fits of anger to the point of rupturing blood vessels when someone disagrees with you or has any belief that does not exactly match your own.  It is a portmanteau of “apoplectic” and “self-righteous”. 

Because it works on all of these levels and seven others that Americans understand well, but can’t put into words, Applepious is by far the cleverest word to ever exist.  It is a word that could only have been thought up by a true American Hero with a capital “H” such as one of the great pundits: Glenn Beck, Stephen Colbert, or Sean Hannity and is a prime example of why the American language is the greatest, best language ever given by God to Man on the face of the Earth. 

Many Blue State Liberals and other elitists deny this word even exists, since they themselves are not and can never be applepious.  Truly un-American people, for example the British, take it a step further and deny the existence of the entire American language, claiming it is something called “English” as if this “English” was a real language and not just an affected accent used in Hugh Grant movies and old gladiator films.  Look up applepious in any so-called “English” dictionary and you will not find it, thereby proving that “English” is NOT American. Recently, the actress Keira Knightley (who must have been playing the goddess Venus or some other Roman character at the time, because she was talking with that particularly odd accent heard in such films) claimed that applepious was not a word at all and said it could not be found in any American dictionary either.  Needless to say, she was picked up by INS as an illegal immigrant, because every American knows what applepious means, so it does not have to be in our dictionaries.

To see applepiousness in action, just turn on any cable news show.  You will see flag-lapel-pin-wearing, furiously angry, ultra-religious, Real Americans going into seizures of sanctimonious certainty of the faultlessness of their own positions.  The most applepious half hour of television in the United States of America can be seen Monday through Thursday from 11:30pm until midnight Eastern Time on Comedy Central. – The Knave

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