Anytown, USA

March 11, 2010 at 10:05 am | Posted in Jonny R Goode | 1 Comment

Anytown, USA is just your average American community. Children ride bikes down Main Street, while parents shop for food and clothes in the markets on First. Mr. Curruthers at the General Store has what you need, and if he doesn’t he can order it for you from Ajax, Inc – just be prepared to wait a coupla weeks. Little Sally Sampson is the town cutie – some say the County Beauty Pageant is in her future. Billy Jones works day and night on his pitching arm – come Spring we’ll see what he’s made of. Mrs. Piper makes the best Rhubarb Pie this side of the river, and Mr. Piper knows to his heart he’s the luckiest man in town. There are clubs here: the Model Train Boosters, The Elk Lodge, The Good Times Bridge Club, The Shriners. The Portal To Hell is here, a half-thousand whirring teeth in a fleshy, vaginal gash in the ground. Last year, Mr. Baker built a treehouse for his son Tommy, built it with his bare hands – all the other boys are green in the face. The Municipal council doesn’t want to have to make the cuts to the road repair crew, especially not with Mike Barton’s son so sickly – but they may have no choice but to put it to a vote. The biggest celebrity in the area is Pride Of The Family – he’s from three towns over, and he’s in the Belmont Stakes this year. Little Paul Hill hid in a barn all night, said he was “running away”; he was back for breakfast though. The Saxons were a little weary of that Indian family moving in next door, but Mrs. Mehta brought them a Rubbermaid full of samosas and now they’re fast friends. Sam King was just fat enough to be Santa again a few months back, but that chemo he’s receiving might hurt his chances come December – Hell, something tells me that the kids won’t mind a thin Saint Nick this year. Sister Jane at the Church is getting up there in years, but she shakes it off and says, “every wrinkle is a footstep in God’s direction.” The parade came through town on Tuesday – it’s probably in Kansas by now – I hear they slept in a cave Thursday night. Jenny Tucker has gotten in more fights than half the boys in town – and she’s not afraid to touch a frog either. Hey, you know my favorite thing about Anytown, USA? Everyone knows the exact day and second when they’re gonna die. – Jonny R Goode

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  1. First post of the year not by Da Ritzenator or The Knave. Congratulations.

    Is Anytown, USA where I live, ie a place called Cleveland? They do have a Hell mouth here you know? I think this is where Buffy ended up after she returned from Italy. In my live action fantasy role-playing group, we have been continuing events in the Buffyverse after the Sunnydale Hell mouth was closed and also events in the Angelverse after the final battle with the demons sent down by the Wolfram & Hart senior partners. I play Dawn and have recently entered into a lesbian relationship with Illyria. We’ve moved in together and my parents don’t approve, but it’s not like they were using the basement anyway, right? The girl who plays Buffy is a real “rhymes with witch” and insisted her grody boyfriend be Angel, even though he’s 5’4″ and has a perm. Our Willow is played by a cocker spaniel named “Muffin-Top” ever since the girl who played her before went psycho and poked out Xander’s eye for real. Funny thing is, she poked the wrong one. He quit the group, so we may let the old Willow back in when she gets out of prison and make the cocker spaniel be Xander. We’re still collecting signatures and holding out hope that our online petition to bring Buffy and Angel back on TV will finally show those network executives the mistake they’ve made!

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