February 25, 2010 at 11:29 am | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment

The word “retaliation” is a portmanteau of the words “retake” and “elation”.  Basically, if people could go through their lives without anyone ever being a dick to them, they would be elated. If they also weren’t dicks to others, the world would be a better place.  There would be no war or crime. Political and religious discussions would be polite and measured. That Jesus guy realized this centuries ago when he said something about not being a dickhead to others and maybe they won’t dick you over in return.

 But let’s face it.  You are going to cross paths with plenty of dickheads in your life.  Even if you know you’re a dick and embrace the fact fully, you will at some point come across some jackass who is a bigger dick than you, unless you are Rush Limbaugh.  There are few things better in life than putting these pricks in their places.  The problem is that you can’t act first, because then you’re the dickhead. 

Just wait.  That a-hole is going to make some sort of dick move or prickish comment.  Once that happens, it is open season on their ass.  It is time for retaliation.  When we retaliate, we retake the elation we lost when the jackass dicked us over by being a complete bastard son of a bitch.  This is justifiable, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, Bible endorsed revenge.  You’re not the self-centered dick who thinks he or she can treat others any way they want.  No.  You’re the social judge, jury, and executioner who is going to teach that asshole that there are consequences for being such a dickwad.

Given the number of unbelievable assholes in the world, if there wasn’t any kind of retaliation, society would fall apart. That whole “don’t be dicks to each other” thing is never going to happen.  It is fear of retaliation that keeps most dickheads more or less in line. It is the glue of society.  Even if someone is not fundamentally a dick, he or she is going to act like a prick from time to time. If they got away with it every time, they’d become raging assholes.  It is our friend retaliation that keeps people in check.

Law, diplomacy, marriage and every other social institution have their roots in the real threat of retaliation, especially of the disproportionate kind.  If the threat of retaliation is not heeded and someone decides they have the right to be a dick anyway, it is the civic duty of every man, woman, and lesser prick to show that major asshole a little retaliation and retake the elation that dickhead got by being his or her dickish self. – The Knave


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