TowelFebruary 9, 2010 at 3:03 pm | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment
Surprisingly, the towel wasn’t the creation of the great caveman inventor, Grunt Bartholomew Towel, who actually invented the inclined plane, or more accurately noticed a hill one day. Neither was it invented by Grunt Bartholomew Towel Jr., who invented both the lever and fire, which immediately made him unpopular with neighbors when he began using the former to catapult the latter at their caves. No, it was Grunt Bartholomew Towel III, who came up with what a renowned author called “the most massively useful thing.”
Grunt Bartholomew Towel III, or Little Grunty’s Bastard, as his detractors called him, lived in a time when the closest thing Man had to a towel was referred to as “waiting to dry”. There were multiple efforts to improve on this technology, most notably by Ugh Nathaniel Electricairdryer XIV. Ugh dammed up a river, forcing it to flow through a gate where the water turned wheels transferring the motion to turbines, causing electrons to flow along copper wires to metal boxes. Inside of the boxes were motors that turned fans designed to blow air over a bare, coiled wire heating element, creating forced convection through a multidirectional vent. Unfortunately, after twenty seconds, people would get frustrated, wipe their hands on their fur pants and go back to “waiting to dry.” Even with patience, you couldn’t expect to dry your whole body with the thing.
One day, while Grunt Bartholomew Towel III was punching a useless electric air dryer, he thought: “If I don’t want to be wet, perhaps I could transfer my wetness to something else”. It was the greatest thought since Brunt Evanston Standserect thought to himself: “What if there was a way for me to both show off my genitalia to a female and obtain a better view of her cleavage?”
Grunt’s experiments with rocks showed they did little to remove wetness. Other human beings, assuming they were dry, did alleviate some wetness, but caused annoyance and being thrown in a nearby river. Grunt’s friend, Eegah Patrick McNuclearbomb had some interesting, but impractical ideas involving uranium. Becoming frustrated, he considered using fur, but knew the PETA protests would quickly become more annoying than being wet. Standing near a fire seemed to help with the “waiting to dry” method, but when directly applied to the skin, fire cause some rather undesirable side-effects.
The epiphany came on January 6th, 175,245 years before the birth of some guy no one knew about because he hadn’t been born yet. Grunt had clubbed a saber tooth tiger to death and was telling some PETA protestors that he actually saved animals by killing a carnivore, when he remembered something Eegah had told him. Water is a molecule made up of one oxygen atom, which attracts electrons and the two hydrogen atoms, which repel them, making the molecule a dipole. Grunt needed to find the hydrophilic polymer with the most oxygen-hydrogen groups on its outer edge—a material that would absorb many times its weight in water.
Grunt began to molecularly analyze every plant he could find. The answer came in just eight years: cotton. Though picking the seeds out was enough to make a person take to drinking gin, once out, the cotton boll could be made into cotton thread and woven into a cloth. Now, instead of a bunch of wet cavemen standing around, waiting to get dry, there would be dry cavemen with wet pieces of cotton cloth. Could the first *snap* be far away?
When Grunt’s girlfriend came up with the idea of adding little loops so the cloth would absorb more water, he immediately dumped her, but later implemented the improvement, claiming it as his own. He started dating a younger, prettier cave-girl, named Terry, after whom, he named the improvement. Upon his death at the ripe old age of twenty-five, Grunt’s body was wrapped in a beautiful rectangular terrycloth sheet, which all the world now knew to call a “towel”. His friends and family then ate him, because food was scarce and PETA didn’t object to cannibalism. – The Knave