F.A.T.T.U.S

January 29, 2010 at 9:26 am | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment
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France has very strict selection criteria for the position of Ambassador To The United States( of America).  Due to the importance placed on the alliance between the two countries, the candidate must represent the true feelings of the French for Americans.  To achieve this, the appointee must answer the following questions in the affirmative:

  1. Does the sight of the American flag make you wrinkle your nose in disgust? (i.e. Do you truly despise the ubiquitous be-starred and be-striped red, white and blue, which so pollutes the world these days?)
  2. Do you consider Americans to be barbarians with bland cheese and frog-less menus who anger you by using the same colors on their flag as appear on the glorious flag of France?
  3. Can you survive living in America where the bread is tasteless and Styrofoam-like and will you let them know about it?
  4. Will you be content eating actual wax rather than their wax-like cheese and then explain your preference to everyone you meet?
  5. Do you realize that their meat, which comes from some animal so horribly genetically mutated that you dare not think about it, may be offered to you as food and will you be sure to insult anyone who serves it to you?
  6. If you go to New York and get a sandwich held together by a tiny U.S. flag on a toothpick, will you set it aflame and light your cigarette with the thing?
  7. Does the fact that it is forbidden to enjoy a civilized smoke with your meal in the United States demonstrate the need to explain to the Yanks that they were all barn-raised?
  8. Will you turn your nose up at the American palate as you talk of your longing for the sweet taste of snails and the rich aroma of cooking amphibian parts?
  9. Can you be counted on to enter every hat shop you see and complain: “It is impossible to buy a decent beret in this town”?
  10. If you find yourself walking under a U.S. flag and it is hung higher than you can effectively spit or urinate, do you promise to find another way of disrespecting it?
  11. When you think of American wine, do you think of bile and will you express the similarity of the two to your hosts and suggest that rather than drink the stuff it should be used as chrome polish or drain cleaner?
  12. If you mistakenly do find yourself drinking Californian wine, will you be sure to find something starred and striped to retch on?
  13. At every opportunity, will you let the slope-headed morons know that it is a misnomer to call their vile “bubbly” anything that might indicate it originated in the beautiful Champagne region of France?
  14. Will you suggest that the Made-In-America bastardization of the exquisitely refreshing and delicious French creation Champagne be served in cans, preferably labeled by a picture of a mangy cat urinating?
  15. Will you also add that a mangy urinating dog can be used on their beer cans to indicate that fluid nearly indistinguishable from stagnant swamp water that they must surely dredge up from the East River and age in a public toilet?
  16. Do you promise to make every effort to campaign against the women’s razor industry so that the great people of France are never subjected to the obnoxious image still burnt into our national retina since the 20th Century, the most hideous site of all, of an American woman in a bikini; her right breast covered in white stars on a blue field; her left breast decorated with white and red stripes; and in an ultimate act of vulgarity, her armpits completely bald, disgracefully shorn?
  17. Will you also fight the waxing industry to prevent them from defiling any more women in this way, removing two and now all-too-often three centers of their womanly musk?
  18. Do you swear to fight the United States and the Stars and Stripes that they call Old Glory, but which we know as the symbol of worldwide culinary oppression and hygienic fascism?
  19. During your term of service, can you bring your wife to official functions, rather than one of your mistresses, even if you want to have a good time (still make passes at the other women in attendance—the alliance isn’t THAT important)?
  20. Will you guarantee not to surrender to the United States unless they offer a sufficient quantity of truffles served by Jerry Lewis, the only American who wasn’t a troglodyte?
    -The Knave
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