New Jersey

January 12, 2010 at 11:14 am | Posted in Da Ritzenator | 1 Comment

Population: More than 100,000 people

Cities: Too numerous to count, but they have one of the Ocean Cities and a Newark. Probably a Springfield or two.

Nicknames: The Trash Dump State, The Drive Through State, The Gardening State, America’s Armpit.

Imports: Trash, Old people’s retirement monies, Gas monies from PA residents from across the border, Discount liquor monies from PA residents from across the border, Wanna-be Guidos & Guidettes.

Exports: Trashy people, Old people’s emptied bank accounts, Gas attendants who tire of pumping everyone’s gas, Discount liquor, Bruce Springsteen, “Jersey Shore,” Goddamn traffic circles, Probably fireworks, too.

Sports Teams: NJ Nets, NJ Devils, NY Giants, NY Jets

Capital: Trenton

Trenton’s Depressively Offensive Slogan: “Trenton Makes, The World Takes”

New Jersey takes its name from the word “New,” meaning something new, and the word, Jersey:  the name of a place somewhere else in the world. When “New Jersey” was being settled, the homesick inhabitants wanted to bring familiarity and a piece of the old world along with them. Because the area smelled like trash and was vastly uninhabitable, it reminded them of their old home: Jersey. They did not want to make things too confusing (as they were a simple, stupid people), so they called it “New Jersey.” And boy did the name stick! It seemed everyone who lived in the area was getting nauseous and/or dying from diseases, so they all agreed that “New Jersey” was the perfect homage to their homeland.

Many of the early settlers perished over the first 50 years of New Jersey’s inhabitance, due to poor quality of living, and being too lazy to grow/gather their own food. They truly were the first Americans. But everyone had an optimistic feeling about New Jersey, and they stood by the saying: “it must get worse before it gets better.”

Today, the citizens of New Jersey are still waiting for the “gets better” part of the deal. Year after year, as toxic chemical and politician levels increase, people still chose continual suffering by living there. Over the past 40 or so years, the residents have tried to fight back against the inevitable hand of death. They have added accessories like make-up, hairspray, spray-on tan, and gold jewelry to their faces and bodies in order to ward off the harmful agents. Some even think that wearing animal-skin clothes will help because animals have survived, like forever, in the wild. And those who cannot afford animal skins still, to this day, stand by the theory that animal prints protect just as well. 

Unfortunately (or fortunately to some), these self-applied barriers actually endanger the user more than help.  The spray-on tans are carcinogenic. Hairspray depletes the ozone and kills brain cells. Make-up layers the skin with inorganic chemicals, prevents pours from “breathing,” which ultimately results in a full-body explosion. And animal-print clothing is just a joke: a cruel, hurtful, joke. – Da Ritzenator

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  1. Oh, real original “Da Ritzenator”. Makin’ fun of New Jersey. All you are is a Ritzen-hater. Jersey’s a sick party spot. Word. You’re like so pathetic. Why you gotta interrupt our game o’er here? You ever get a girl back to your place? I’m chillin’ wit’ diff’rent girls every night. Even if you gotta girl, I’m stealin’ her. I hit the gym, tan, do some laundry, and bam, take your girl. In Jersey we keep fresh and mint the whole week and hook up wit’ some crazy girls every f’n night. I strike with my six-pack and it’s done. Bashin’ Jersey? I’m fuming. I’m so pissed. Beyond pissed. You disrespected the f’n Garden State. I dare you to come down the shore and try me, bitch. F you you f’n bastard.

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